NEW YEAR'S EVE CAKE

 

Supremely, Gloriously Delicious  Leader

Fassbender.

If you actually know me in real life, I have probably spoken to you about my latest celebrity obsession.  Meet the new star of my fantasies (second only to my super hot husband, but that isn't so much a fantasy as a reality - lucky me!):

This might be slightly NSFW because of all that man meat, but HOLY CRAP.  Are you seeing this guy?  In case you were not yet aware, this is Michael Fassbender, and I will now try to convince you that he is hot.  Believe it or not, some of my friends aren't into it!  And on the one hand, I am all like more for me... when the Fassbender comes to town to let me have my one night of extramarital sexytime, I won't have to share him with any of you.  But really? REALLY GUYS?

I think I first became aware of him slightly when he was in Inglorious Basterds, but I wasn't into it for some reason.  Not sure why exactly, because look:

I think that he was certainly handsome, but I think I prefer a more scruffy Fassbender.  Plus, that movie was loaded with hotties, so maybe he got overlooked.  He was also very handsome in the X-Men movie, but I think I was too busy being annoyed at January Jones.

Then, I got around to watching the recent Jane Eyre movie, in which my beloved played Rochester and at which point I became a tiny bit obsessed.  To be fair, he looks kinda weird in this movie because he has these ridiculous fluffy/patchy muttonchops, but that scene where Rochester proposes did me in in.  Oof!

Jane Eyre 2011 "Proposal" from Thisbe on Vimeo.

So basically, he is a really skilled actor, and he got to play a character that would make most girls swoon a little.  I'm easy, what can I say.  Also, Mia Wasikowska is awesome!!!

After that I felt compelled to try and see other movies involving Michael (first name basis, obvs).  Next I watched Fish Tank.  He is super fine in that movie, and there is really hot sexytime, but it is also with an under-aged girl, so it is confusing.  Let's be honest.  We all know it was just a movie, and I will take what I can get.

Then I watched A Dangererous Method, which I found to be pretty mediocre, and I even tried to watch Hex, a British TV show with the Fass wearing a lot of eyeliner, which was unbearable, so I stopped.  I saw Haywire recently, and he has a small, but sexy/bad-ass part in that film, although we couldn't exactly figure out if Michael Douglas was a bad guy or not.  Irrelevant.  Fassbender still hot.

I have still not seen Shame because sometimes I get antsy about watching movies that I know are going to be emotionally harrowing, and so I put them off.  Also, it's like delayed gratification for lots of depressing sex and full frontal nudity.  Soon, soon.  I am totally going to see Prometheus, in which the hotness plays a creepy, creepy robot.  He is just a good actor, and he doesn't have to rely on his uber-sex-appeal in every role he plays, ok?!

Around the time that my obsession began, I found this AMAZING TUMBLR, Fuck Yeah Fassbender.  Thank you, whoever you are that runs that, because it's my favorite.  All Fassy, all the time.  Let's look at some of my favorites:

I think he is trying to communicate to me that he wants me to take off his shirt for him.  We understand each other like that and can communicate with just our eyes.

Ahh why are you putting your clothes back on?  OR are you taking them off?  I will assume the latter.

Ahh yes, perfect!  Just as I suspected.

I think the best part about Fassbender is that in real life, or in interviews at least, he seems to be a genuinely nice, thoughtful and funny dude.  I appreciate that, and his laugh is hella sexy.  Like oops-I-just-spontaneously-ovulated sexy.   Also, some people believe that he looks like a shark.

This is Michael Fassbender acknowledging that yes, he has an enormous penis.

Isn't he just darling?!  If you are not yet convinced, you are foolish, and I have no time for you and your lack of taste.  Fin.

I MUST GO; MY PEOPLE NEED ME

The Christmas Shoes Remix

Back in college, circa 2006, Christopher Boyd made what was considered to be the finest of remixes of the finest of Christmas songs. I JUST found an old CD with a copy of the epic tune, and decided to make an accompanying montage of related images. For your viewing/hearing pleasure this Christmas Eve:

I Miss This Girl

An Introduction to Bacon

As always, this is going to be a realllly exciting and fascinating story. I have been wanting to make these Bacon Egg and Cheese Biscuit Cups for a while now. I don't like bacon, but I still recognize that it is an integral part of some of the best breakfast foods, so I am willing to use it as an ingredient. I know, you are SHOCKED and APPALLED that a person might not like bacon, but we never ate it as kids, and I barely even knew what it was until I was much older. I'd say it's cause I am "Jewish," but I know that isn't why, since we certainly did not keep kosher, and my Dad used to be a butcher at some point before I was born, and according to my Mom, he would definitely bring home bacon. The bacon.

Now that I have come clean about my indifference to America's favorite breakfast meat, you probably don't trust me. But I do try! My Mother-in-Law is probably one of the best chefs on the planet, and she often uses bacon in food. A lot. So I have come to expect seeing it around, and even enjoying it on some level, but still, bacon on its own to me has been like eating burnt grossness. I just don't get the appeal and obsessive devotion that goes along with the cult of the bacon.

THAT IS UNTIL RIGHT NOW. Like 5 minutes ago.

Pearce is out walking the demon, and I made him put the bacon in the over before he left because when it comes to me making him bacon, he will do whatever he can to ease along the process. It was my job to take it out of the oven and put it on the paper towels to dry off the grease. (This is part of why I can't handle eating it! It is like 90% fat that you have to manually dry away!?). But I still figured I should taste a bit just to see that it was OK.

LIFE CHANGING.
OMG.

This piece of bacon that I ate was so incredibly delicious. It filled my mouth with joy and happiness. I felt like I could bring about world peace and supply everyone with universal health care.

It was so fucking good, I was shocked. I have tried a lot of pieces of bacon at the request of people who insist that it is not possible to dislike bacon, and I have never experienced a piece of bacon like I just had now 8 minutes ago.

I then decided I needed to share this revelation with you, my many readers. The problem was that before I actually started to write, I decided to taste a second piece, to see if I could re-capture the experience to better describe it. And you know what? It was gross. Salty, burnt dreck. I feel like I am chasing the dragon! Now I have this memory of blissful bacon, but my mouth now tastes like an ashtray made of pork. And it's not like the piece I ate was visibly burnt, I selected the one that looked the most stereotypically "bacon-like."

WHAT THE FUCK BACON, WHAT THE FUCK.
I feel betrayed, confused and sad, and I wonder if this is why the Jews of yore forswore the pork.

Aaaaa-AAAAA-men.

Office Arson!!!

Here's the part where I tell you all about the most exciting thing to happen at work, ever. If you didn't already know, I am a Fire Protection Engineer and I work for a consulting company. We have a really sweet office right in Canton (Baltimore) on the water. There are currently 6 people in the office, so it is pretty small, and the office itself is on the first floor of a swanky apartment building. Typically, about 200+ joggers and dog-walkers pass our office front door every day. DOES NO ONE HAVE A JOB?!

I guess a lot of people move in and out of swanky apartments around October, so the apartment complex had a huge dumpster outside for residents to throw away their fancy crap, and this giant dumpster was sitting outside some of our windows. One Thursday afternoon, we hear a lot of noise, and we look out the window, and the giant dumpster is on FIRE. this:

Unfortunately, I did not have the presence of mind to start video taping from the start, and then coworker and I chattered and shrieked through the rest of the fire, so this doesn't really capture just how huge the fire was. Also, literally seconds after I stopped recording, one of the fire fighters accidentally shot another fire fighter in the face with the hose, blowing off his helmet. That would have really made for an awesome and worthwhile youtube video, but NO, I had to get impatient.

So anyway, we all thought it was just perfect that there was a big fire outside of a FIRE PROTECTION ENGINEERING office, so we were laughing and having a jolly old time, wondering about the heat release rates, as our windows cracked from the heat.

After the fire department had taken care of business, the apartment complex looked at the security footage and ... the plot thickens! They saw a figure in a black trench coat and black "Indiana Jones" hat throwing something into the dumpster right before the fire started! ARSON! I should mention that it was REALLY warm outside, as in no coats necessary at all. I have composed this amateur sketch in case you see him:


Could be a crack head got hold to the wrong stuff! O no wait! That is the wrong one... let me see... Ok... here he is:

Note the black trench coat, the hat and the flames. So now if you see him, you can make a citizen's arrest! The thing was that he had the looks of a person who had a rough time in high school... someone like... someone like...

Yeah! That's it. Ok so basically, they knew it was an arsonist setting dumpsters to the torch! They told us that we should keep an eye out, that the guy would probably come back! As if the knowledge that a creepy trench-coat wearing person already was sneaking around, but to think he would come back. Yikes!

Cut to Friday!
HE COMES BACK!
STILL WEARING THE SAME TRENCH COAT AND HAT IN THE BALMY WEATHER. He strolls on by the office, and by the dumpster, then he heads out to the water taxi where he waits. We call the building management people, review videos and confirm YES it's the same guy, so the cops are called. The arsonist is STILL waiting for the water taxi (we can see it from our window). A lone cop comes minutes after he boards the boat, and doesn't want to do any policing, but would rather shoot the shit with my boss. As the arsonist rides across the harbor to a KNOWN docking location; he is the only passenger on the water taxi. This would have been the EASIEST catch ever for the cop, and yet, he explained, he was about to get off for the evening, so there was really no point. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
So this whole situation is really silly, and I understand laziness, I do, but REALLY?
So the cop leaves, and life goes on.

LATER FRIDAY NIGHT
Our friend was in town and the weather was lovely so we decided to go out to Fell's Point and have some dinner at a restaurant, choosing the outdoor seating. So I am relating this crazy arsonist story to the friend, and we are eating, and lo and behold. BLACK HAT/BLACK TRENCH COAT walks by my table. No joke, same exact guy from earlier in the day. He was extremely distinct... it wasn't just any old trench coat, it was like old-timey steam punk living in mom's basement. He was with a friend, a skinny freak dude with lots of piercings and tattoos. So I did what any normal person would do, and sat dead silent until the duo passed, then I absolutely freaked out. FREAKED OUT! I mean really, seeing this guy again, on the loose! I ran up to the hostess, who the arsonist and co had briefly stopped and stood near, and I was all like "DO YOU KNOW THOSE PEOPLE?!" and she was terrified of me. I tried to explain this whole story, and she gave me the eyes that say "you are delusional."

Meanwhile, husband and friend are really annoyed at my histrionics. I don't just get worked up about things, I get really shrill and I talk very fast, and I become unbearable. It's just me being me! So we finish our meal, and we are going to walk over to bars for some drinks - might I point out that through all the freaking out I was uncomfortably sober. And I could not stop obsessing about the arsonist ON THE LOOSE!

As we walk through Fell's Point, there is a gang of FIRE FIGHTERS! I try to control my need to shriek my story at them, but I fail. I run up and start asking if they know about the Canton dumpster fire from the day before, and Yes! These are the very fire fighters who put that fire out! I ask, was there another fire?! Why are they there? They tell me that there is no fire, and that they are just there, hanging out.

"Well," I tell them, "the arsonist who set the dumpster on fire is HERE! I saw him walking around tonight, he is wearing a black trench coat and hat, so if you see him, he's your guy." And then I run away, because oh my god, that sounds completely insane and paranoid.

At that point husband and friend are about to just ditch me - they can't handle the insanity - so I swear that the freakout is over, since telling the fire fighters counts as "warning the authorities."

I have no real end to this story, because the arsonist of Canton is still at large, terrorizing our community's waste collection bins. In conclusion, be weary all ye Baltimorians, for he is out there, waiting, watching.