Twilight: Birthing Demon

I am so ashamed that I went to see the most recent Twilight movie... but I had already set a precedent, so it was inevitable. I missed the first one, and then at some point between the time the first one came out, and the second one, I read all the books. In a few days, which is the only way that it is acceptable if you actually do read them all the way through, if only to prove that you can read and that you read trash quickly because you are too good for it, and you have more important, literary things to be reading. Uch, I make myself sick. But yeah, after the reading happened, I decided that I should probably watch the first one, and then I had to see the second, and so on.

Anyway, I will say what most people are well aware of: they were awful books, like truly awful. I knew this as I read them, and I raged at how incredibly painful and terrible it all was, but it was like this sick thing where I had to read them once I started. I think lots of people can relate to this phenomenon. I even had the bizarre experience of minor depression after the whirlwind of garbage consumption was over. It has happened before when getting to the end of REALLY good books, and it is inexplicable and, again, embarrassing that something so vile sucked me in like that. I know this has been discussed a million times before. I know that the whole Twilight thing has very confusing implications on everything from "teenage love" to "codependent/abusive relationships." I am not really interested in that; I am over caring about why this "appealed" to me (and tons and tons of other lamos) so much. I get it, it is emotional pornography! I am not going there, because I am just going to talk about this movie I just saw tonight (MONDAY NIGHT, to a filled theater!).

The point is, that this latest movie, like its predecessors, was hilarious, bad and amazing in its bizarre camp/creepiness. I think this was by far the creepiest of the movies, which was sort of a plus.

First I need to get a few gripes off my chest. The vampire/werewolf canons were disregarded:

• No sparkling vampires in the sunshine!
• Phasing werewolves are no longer dangerous to be near... wasn't that a big plot point in one of the other movies?
• The movie seems to disregard the inevitable loss of clothing as the shifter people explode into cgi wolves! There should have been more nudity! WTF!
• Obviously, in the Twilight universe, women do get their period! PROOF: unused box of tampax reminding Bella that she is late and prego. However, it is still never addressed how the blood thirsty vampires don't devour every menstruating female around! This is a monthly thing people, it would be a miracle that any ladies survive puberty.
• EVERYONE looks so puffy and weird in white-face. This has been a problem for me from the start, because it's just hard to look at. And everyone looks stupid with opaque colored contacts. HEY PEOPLE: opaque colored contacts make even "hot" movie stars look dumb, so please be advised that it is no longer 1998 and opaque colored contacts are not permitted.
  

First unintentionally (?!) hilarious part of the movie: dream sequence of wedding disaster! Bella in white dress splattered with blood around her womb/lady area! Is this representative of her fear of losing her virginity?! Or is it just very obvious foreshadowing of the fact that Edward will eat a child out of her wombsack?! There was a very relevant facebook fail recently that I feel illustrates what I am thinking nicely:


I will be blunt and say that the first 10 minutes of the movie are completely unwatchable. The acting and writing is so so so outstandingly bad, even for these movies, that I was sort of surprised, even with my non-existent expectations. I guess I thought this new director was supposed to bring something special. The emotionally charged muzak-dramatica behind every stupid interaction between everyone is just mind-numbing. The first half of the movie belongs on LMN (Lifetime Movie Network). It is straight up a terrible soap opera.
Also, it is so sad that Edward gets a bachelor party, but Bella has literally no friends to take her out to party! That poor, doomed girl.

The sexy times are awkward, but it seems like the Bella chick has gotten a little bit of control over her lip-nibbling problem, and she is actually less despicable than usual, but only for a minute, before she gets impregnated with the demon spawn. I was disappointed in Robert Pattinson's physique! I like to see some back muscles in my soft core porn at least! Boo!

Then the mood of the movie shifts into something more... interesting? I can't remember when it happened in time line of the movie, but there is a truly inspired scene where the cgi wolves talk to each other in alarming Transformers voices. The extremes of strangeness in this movie are... extreme. Then we start in on the alien-autopsy of our "heroine." We basically get about 30-45 minutes of this:


Blah Blah Blah... Bella is looking more and more like a holocaust zombie in the family way, and then Edward has to eat through the placenta to get the baby out. Oh yeah, and that is after we watch as Bella gets possessed by the demon, and her back snaps and her knees seem to get crushed. It's pretty horrific! Daddy Edward clutches his baby child with a ring of blood smeared around his mouth. Every father should have to eat his child out of his lady wife.

Alien-autopsy Bella appears to be dead on the table, and they have pretty much forgotten her as they hold up the baby, Simba-style, for a while. Realization dawns that his true love is dying, so Robert P. shoots an enormous, novelty-sized syringe full of sparkle jizz into wifey's chest (nods to Pulp Fiction reference). And she is still sort of looking dead, so he gently bites her all over the place. That is love people, that is love.

Then, when your logical brain is convinced that it can't comprehend anything more insane, you get to watch as the wolf guy and the demon baby lock eyes and fall in love. OMG the whole theater was in hysterics.

Cut back to zombie-Bella on the table. We see a montage cutting between her life and the sparkle jizz oozing through her internal organs, fixing her and making her beautiful, even applying eye shadow and mascara. The movie ends with her opening her EVIL RED EYES! Gasp!

The girls sitting in front of us screamed in agony that they should have to wait for the final installment! People actually clapped at the end of the movie, more proof that it is a modern masterpiece of cinema. This was a Monday night showing at a theater that serves booze. I didn't see any tweens, or really teens either. There were some groups of moms and even some dudes with their ladies (whipped!), but mostly girls like me and my co-conspirator in terrible movies. I am not sure if anyone was there without a certain sense of irony and shame. Or at least I hope not...