The weather has been the tits around here, and magically, my disgusting seasonal allergies have been very under control (only minimal snot gush and itching). Cross fingers! As I result, I have been running outside around my neighborhood whenever possible, making a point to wave at people and say “Oh, Haie” and be generally creepy to all I encounter. I tend to see the same people a lot, and also I see the same people that Lucy barks at when I take her on walks (we take the same route). So I want them to realize that I am indeed a psycho who is training her to kill them.
I didn’t get to go today because I was at a networking event for my job, pounding jumbo glasses of free wine and being awkward. Also, I think I needed a day off after yesterday’s run. Here is why.
As far as working out goes, I can be very picky about what clothes I wear, and I work out a lot, so when I like things, I buy a lot of them to cut down on washings. I am really into the Soffe shorts, which I now see have a sort of cultish cheerleader following after a quick internet search for pictures…
Anyway, I have like 10 pairs in various colors, but I have 2 pairs in blue. One of the blue shorts is from like 11th grade, when I first started running, and the other pair is much newer. The old ones were my favorites because they were so ancient and the elastic started to rot, and they fit so perfectly. We (the shorts and I) went through a prolonged honeymoon period where I would try to cycle them in at least once a week, since they didn’t pinch or ride up. It was bliss, and they seemed to get better and better with age.
But the past few weeks, things have been a little iffy. I have been trying to avoid the shorts, but yesterday was a laundry day, so they were all that was left, and my ass is like a shelf, so I figured I could support them just this one last time. Unfortunately I was wrong. I think it is easier to describe in a graph:
We are well past the hump now, and the honeymoon is swiftly crashing to an end around my ankles. See what I did there? According to my graph, yesterday would have been the point where we went into negative comfort territory. So I was running down the part of my route that is a main road, and I got a honk. Uch! I hate that! (NOT! I LOVE THAT! Approval from anonymous strangers in cars makes my self esteem go up up up). But anyway, in reality, it was probably not because Mr. HonkHappy enjoyed the jiggle in my jog, but more likely because my shorts had slipped down to mid-butt as I was running. I yanked them up, but they continued to fall down, over and over again. The elastic had finally given up. But that doesn’t mean I was going to quit! I was just hitching up the shorts every quarter mile or so, really classy. Not like anyone was watching me after the honking incident, but if they were to have glanced my way, they would have seen lots and lots of underwear and booty. (I wear like 6 pairs of underwear when I run). (No I don’t). (At least I was wearing underwear, right?!). (At least the underwear were bright pink so everyone would know that the jig was up). Underwear or no, according to some people, I have a very friendly butt crack. That means it is always peaking out to also say a creepy “Haieee.”
Also, can I just interject some thoughts about the spandex American Apparel leggings?! These things are meant for working out? Knowing AA, working out is code for rapey foreplay, for which these pants are ideal, since they are either giving you intense camel toe or they are sliding down your butt.
So I basically mooned my whole neighborhood, and now I have officially retired my favorite workout shorts. It was a sad day on a lot of levels for a lot of people.
1 comment:
Oh! gasp! I die!
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