1. this fart happened when i was a junior in high school. i was working at starbucks (before i got fired) and i was leaning over and cleaning the tables when i felt some pressure at my asshole. you know how it goes. so i thought, oh i'll just release it slowly. no sound, no foul. so i did that but it didn't work out as planned. as it came out, it just came out full speed. there must have been a turd behind it that made it come out faster. anyway, i was there, leaning over, wearing my green apron, scrubbing the tables and i let out a massive fart. it didn't smell that bad but it was definitely loud and there was definitely someone right behind me as i let it out. sorry to that person. if we ever meet, sorry!
2. another time i was at sarah lawrence and in the library upstairs in the computer room. i could feel a big one coming on but i didn't feel like getting up and walking all the way to the bathroom! no way! so instead i decided i would just let it out and pretend it wasn't me. this was actually much easier than i thought because i had headphones on and it kind of felt like the fart must have come from someone else since i couldn't really hear it. so i let that one rip too and the girl to the right of me obviously immediately looked up from whatever bullshit she was doing to make a disgusted face but i just kept on typing. you see, if you don't admit that you did the fart, most people will assume you didn't. so for this fart i just wore headphones and let them out and it was like i didn't have to acknowledge my farts because i didn't hear them. i'm not sorry about those farts.
3. another farting episode came during a yoga class i was forced to attend (you know who you are). i was in the class, prending to go through the motions as if i knew what i was doing. the whole time i felt like i had to fart but it kept going away, coming back. finally at the end of the class, the urge came back! i decided why not, ill let this one out too. i didn't know if it was gonna be a deadly night shade type of fart or loud or silent or what! it was a total mystery to me as it was to everyone else in the class who heard it. so i let it out right next to sue and melissa and they preceded to crack up. i like to think i didn't crack a smile but i did. i think the instructor wasn't too pleased. she was REALLY into yoga. this really disrupted the "flow" of the class. she prolly pretended she didn't even have an asshole, the liar.
4. another time, i was at golden best sitting outside with muh girls when i had to fart and i decided being outside was the best to do it. so i let this one go too but just as it ended, a big old hipster fart came walking by. he had heard the whole thing and he didn't even congratulate me!
according to melissa, this last fart description doesn't do it justice so i will elaborate. ok. i was facing melissa and katie and i KNEW that a guy was walking towards us and maybe i wanted to impress him or maybe i wanted to impress my friends with how i could slip a fart right past this guy without him even knowing! so i decided to go for it and fart before he had a chance to be near me. but unfortunately (or fortunately) he was crossing my path RIGHT as the fart came out and he heard the whole thing. I guess my depth perception was off. or maybe he took one look at me and decided he wanted to propose to me so he sped up his walking only to hear me fart and be too horrified to keep going with his plan. either way, we never spoke and he didn't congratulate me or high five me or anything. this is how i knew this wasn't the man for me.
that is all for now! love you
1 comment:
Dear lord I love you!
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