My first memory of S.Bean was when a bunch of us girls were signed up to be in a children's production of Bye Bye Birdie. I was in the Chorus (surprising because I cannot sing). I think the Special one had a speaking part, but I can't remember details. I know Lumpkin had some sort of line too. Not so much for me. Anyway, the Specialest Bean was someone I must have met before this time, but I can't sort out those memories without the help of hypnotism. Either way, this was the beginning of a very important time in my life: The Era of the Bean! Of course, there was no bean yet. That came much later, but still.
We went to sleep away camp, and she and I were in a production of a Midsummer's Night Dream. We had extremely minor roles, but we took them very seriously. The best part is, that Bean and I were sooo NOT theater kids. Like you know who I mean, those people who believe they are going to be on Broadway or in movies or something like that. We weren't those people at all, and still are DEFINITELY not those people at present (way too awkward), so why the heck were we in so many plays together? Sometimes I think both of us were very flamey gay men/drag queens in a past life. It would explain so much.
As a young girl, the Bean was basically (oh, base) a bean pole. So gangly! Her mom would make her keep boxes of cookies in her room to help her put on weight. No one would have guessed at the time, but she ended up having probably the biggest boobs of any of us. Bitch!
She had the BEST sleep over parties of anyone. We would stay up all night prank calling boys we liked, and we would order pizzas so Joanna or Lumpkin could answer the door in nothing but a towel. Classy.
Also, her Bat Mitzvah was the most awesome! Instead of dancing to the Spice Girls with blow up guitars, she took a small group of ladies to Hershey Park, which was totally amazing!!
Two Words: Buzzy Shane. Her grandfather is THE KING of horny old men. His business card is a modified version of this... PS If you want to play fair, pick a number first, then scroll down to see.
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Did you pick 3?!?!? Well did you!?!
When we were in high school, I went to Puerto Vallarta with Bean and her fam, and we went to Buzzy's place there, and it was full of posters of sexy naked ladies and there was a statue of people having sex. He is the epitome of dirty old man and he is probably the coolest person ever. Also, there was a story where he got interviewed by some newspaper in Florida about the recall election thing that happened a while ago, and he gave his name as George Succotash. I remember that newspaper clipping was on the fridge at the Bean household. Amazing. Hopefully we can get Miss S.B. to write a piece highlighting the true Viagra fueled magic that is her grandfather.
The Special Bean was originally the name of her first car. It was a beautiful maroon colored sedan that looked like a kidney bean. Hence the name.
When we both decided to go to the same college, we elected to be college roommates. I LOVED living with this girl. She had many strange rituals, which nicely complemented my many strange rituals. She slept on the top bunk, and I slept on the bottom. It was an ideal place for her to flick hair rubber bands, and other fidgets into the air. The best part was, that one evening, she went to bed in a pair of sweatpants, and I woke up in them. She had removed them in her sleep, and dropped them down onto my bed, so when I went to bed much later, I found them in my covers and put them on. What else was I supposed to do?
At one point, her parents took us on a road trip somewhere for something? And on the way, we stopped at a furniture warehouse, where Bean and I lounged on discount-priced sofas, and then we stole a framed photo of the employee of the month, Mike Flynn. We kept the picture hanging up in our dorm all through freshman year.
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| Hecht's Furniture Warehouse Employee of the Month: Mike Flynn |
She is a very fidgety person. We came to call the objects of her fidgeting "fidgets." Her favorite at that time had to be tape balls. She would take a piece of tape, or sticker, roll it into a tube between her fingers (sticky side out), and play with it until eventually launching it into the oblivion of our dorm room. As a result, our dorm floor was crawling with tape balls. All socks and shoes had a bunch of the tape tubes stuck to the bottom, and you would find them in unlikely places, like in the minifridge, or in a text book.
She also has somewhat of a heavy hand with delicate things. She had a long-running record of destroying jewelry and other fragile objects, with the excuse "it must have been loose."
The icing on the fidget cake occurred when she was in a large lecture hall at school. She had a pencil and a rubber band at her disposal. Some people might decide to put the rubber band around their wrist for later and to take notes with the pencil, but not the Bean! She is Specialest for a reason! She fashioned a sort of bow or slingshot with the rubber band, stretching it between her fingers, and used the pencil as a kind of arrow-projectile. And then she launched the pencil directly into her eyeball. Of course she screamed, got up and ran out of the lecture hall, half blinded. Lots of people witnessed this.
During college, someone also discovered the Bean's pornstar doppelganger. Blare Segal. (NSFW!). I think the name Blare Segal is supposed to remind you of "Barely Legal," which is pretty brilliant and subtle, if it was intentional, and not just the name of her first pet and the street she lived on as a child.
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| Blare Segal! |
She wasn't able to make it to the famous Druid Snuggie Solstice Card photoshoot, but she did send a picture of herself wearing a snuggie, being a wizard. So of course, she was secretly photoshopped into the picture!!!
Then there was a surprise unveiling where we ate Afghani food and then revealed the card to her. It was pretty emotional and fantastic.
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| The Bean is tall, but not THAT Tall! Just to be clear, we were actually at stone henge when we took the picture. |
Then there was the time more recently when we were at a party at Joanna's apartment, and the Bean ripped off her own shirt (reasons unclear) with such forcefulness that she managed to knock over a lamp and blow a fuse. Half of the lights in the apartment went out. The Specialest Bean has SUPER POWERS!!!
To wrap things up, WE ALL LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND WE HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT BIRTHDAY! Go watch a marathon of Degrassi or something. CHILLAX and enjoy yourself! Think about coming home and going to OC and partying like it's 1989! PS- Do you want to share needles? Do you want to be my baby mama?
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