Freaky Hairs

Let's get right down to business.  Pearce has a freaky, lone hair growing out of the anterior deltoid region of his left arm.  It is 3 inches long. (I just measured). 

He was really cranky about letting me do that, so we are lucky to get any photographic evidence at all!! And it's not like this hair is new or anything, it's been holding strong for well over a year.  It is robust and hardy, and it even leans toward the sun.  It's like an antenna or something; perhaps it undergoes photosynthesis.  The strange part is that it is so lonesome!  Sure he has his armpit nest just around the corner, but the anterior deltoid is pretty much a bare landscape besides this single strand. 

I added the red circle just in case you weren't seeing it. This isn't some wispy baby hair either.  This is a serious man hair.  Like I said, robust.

Why not just pull that sucker out, you may ask.  Pearce has actually threatened to leave me if I even tug with too much pressure on his precious follicle.  I don't want to put our relationship at risk in the name of epilation!

Even weirder, a few nights before our wedding, I had a dream that I had a really long eyebrow hair.  The morning of our wedding, I decided I should probably try to do something about my brows, so I got to work with the tweezers... and I was smoothing one of my brows out and it just kept going.  I literally had a 1-2 inch eyebrow hair- just like in my dream!! (1) How did I actually dream about this?!  I must have been subconsciously aware of it from previous attempts at grooming or something.  (2) HOW HAD I NEVER consciously noticed it before?!?!?!  To be fair, it was super thin and silky and basically clear. Not even remotely like the rest of my eyebrow hairs, but still!! It should have been floating down in front of my eye, it should have been somewhat obvious!!

My freaky eyebrow hair should have been obvious to me.

I pulled my freak hair out right away, since it had the double whammy creepiness of being predicted in a dream and being reminiscent of something cultivated on a grandfather.  I have no photographic evidence, and I did consider saving the actual plucked hair, but come on.  Who does that? 

So why would two seemingly normal, healthy people be growing these inexplicable hairs?  The first, and most obvious possibilities that come to mind:

1. Alien implants.  They must be using us to collect data about the earth,
2. Morgellons

Clearly.  Hairy business forever and ever!!

Days 2-5: Boycott Sham Poo! Demand Real Poo!

This was from Actual Day 2:
Uch.  Well this is pretty boring so far.  It still looks pretty bad... sort of fluffy, flat and greasy all at the same time.  This is me looking dissatisfied with my hair situation: 

I didn't wash it or anything this morning, I just added some hair powder, willy-nilly, and attempted to brush it out with a boar bristle brush, fairly unsuccessfully.  Even if it doesn't look super gross, it feels very unpleasant.  Kind of gummy and weird, but that is probably due to the dry shampoo.

Day 2 is very uneventful!  I think that I might actually need to not use the dry shampoo, because that is probably going to interfere with the process of my hair finding its "natural balance." Or maybe not.  Let's be real, I am never going to just wash my hair with water and the magical breath of a unicorn!  There will always be something!

Day 3: Work Golf Tournament
Day 3 was the same day as the Society of Fire Protection Engineers Golf Tournament!  It was going to be a wet and humid day, and I was due for a hair washing, and I didn't want to bother blow drying it, cause it was going to be a big fluff ball, and I had to be there at 7AM. However, this meant that I would have damp hair around people.  Trying to be professional and all, I figured I should try not to smell like a salad. The vinegar doesn't really smell at all once your hair is dry, but the dampness of the day... I didn't want to be sitting next to someone in a golf cart reeking of dirty feet.  (Note that sometimes dirty feet smell like vinegar, particularly Pearce's feet).  Granted, I wasn't actually playing golf, I was just the beer cart, but still!  That means I would be coming into contact with new people constantly, not just a few who might get used to my offensive odor after a while.  So I caved.

WHAT?!  Did you really expect me to stick with this?  Reealllly now?  Come on!

But to be fair, I added some baking soda to my shampoo, which is the hippie stuff anyway.  No SLS for me! These are the hair cleaning products currently in my shower (next to the large-ass box of baking soda and the old jelly jar full of water and apple cider vinegar):

Kiss My Face Whenever Shampoo!

Avalon Organics Peppermint Conditioner

Sue is still sticking to the baking soda/lemon juice regimen and she told me today that it has changed her life!!  Her hair is already way less greasy than it was before, and she said even her face is less greasy!  This is totally awesome news! 

Day 4 was a non wash day, which is sort of nuts, because it was left over hair from the super humid day outdoors, and it was fine.

Day 5 would be today, and I used my shampoo with baking soda, and conditioner with a vinegar rinse at the end, and then I let my hair air dry!! (Just a regular day at the office, and I don't even like my coworkers enough to worry about stinking up the place).  My conditioner is peppermint, so it masked the salad smell pretty well.  The thing is that the vinegar actually does de-tangle hair incredibly well, and it makes it really smooth in a way that the hippie conditioner doesn't.  So why not use both?  I also used some silicone-free mousse and sea salt spritz, and that stuff also smells nice. 

This is me cheeeeesin it up!  I was going for beachy waves... it's more like a mess of hair, but I swear it looks decent in person... this webcam just does me no justice!  I'm not ugly! It's just the cameras, all cameras, really.

I think the real thing I took away from all the research that went into learning about hair is that I was going about things all wrong!  I have been using these super gentle, non-detergent shampoos for a long while now, and yet I was using silicone based hair products the whole time!  And I LOVE Morrocanoil, but that stuff is basically silicone and it builds up in your hair and you need a detergent based shampoo to get it out!  And then you need more silicones because the detergents dry your hair out so much!  It's a vicious cycle, and a brilliant marketing strategy for the hair product companies.  I need to invent something like that, become rich, and retire, STAT.

I learned that my hair has been really limp and lifeless and gross because of the silicone buildup! You can't have it both ways I guess.  Not with hair at least.  So I am attempting to eliminate the silicone based hair products, and already I am seeing a serious improvement.  But this sucks, because most hair products do contain silicones, and so I have a bunch of crap that I can't use if I actually decide to stick to this regimen (FYI: unlikely).  I think baking soda helps to get rid of the silicones, and I guess it goes away over time, but adding copious amounts of silicone everyday and not washing it out is not good (according to the internet). Whatever.  Either way, my hair is sooo shiny today, as is not captured in the picture, but I swear it was shining when I looked in the mirror!  I'm just so glorious.

That is the story, and maybe I can even get Sue to tell us about her Hairy Business.

Day 1: Boycott Sham Poo! Demand Real Poo!

First, Osama Bin Laden was killed last night.  He was trending on twitter hardcore.  HAHA I ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT! (about twitter trending, not that guy getting killed).  I am merely stating this for reference, so when I forget about this blog for 2 years, then come back to it, I will be like Oo yeahh that. 

Onto the main story!

Sue and I like to try things! We like to take personal adventures, based on the rantings of lunatic internet personalities, and see just how disgusting we can be by following their advice.  For instance, and actually the only other time we did this, we decided to try the Master Cleanse.  Bad decision!  I think I made it three days, but it really makes people uncomfortable when you are not eating, are constantly slurping a disgusting looking beverage, and are using the restroom bi-hourly.  It also made ME uncomfortable.  I wasn't exactly hungry, but by day three my teeth were about to fall out of my head.  Lemon juice apparently destroys all the enamel on your teeth, which is apparently really important unless you are a fan of dentures.

Anyway!

The point is that at the end of last week, like on Friday, Sue and I decided to quit shampoo.  At the rock solid advice of some fashion blog, we are embarking on a new, extra lazy haircare routine.  I have been sort of doing this for a while, but using hippie-dippy shampoos that don't have any SLS in them, and washing my hair once like every 3 days, but just think - NO SHAMPOO?!!  It really sounds like an awful idea.  As people with professional-ish jobs where we have to deal with clients, it's pretty smart that we are gonna go around looking like greasy hobos for a few weeks.  This is right on par with being a weirdo and refusing solid foods whilst Master Cleansing.   O right, also, no hair products allowed.  And the humid humid Baltimore/DC summer is already starting.

So the last time I used my hippie-dippie shampoo was on Friday, and then the next time I got my hair wet was this morning, Monday.  I bought an economy sized box of baking soda, and whipped out my apple cider vinegar, and I "washed" and "conditioned" my hair.  The baking soda tingled, and the vinegar... smelled like a salad.  I think Sue is using lemon juice instead of vinegar - she might be onto something.  However, lemons now remind me of the Master Cleanse and make me gag, and I am still on speaking terms with salad.

This is me looking disheveled and slightly greasy. I am gonna try to take pictures to see just how vile this gets.  The thing is, I am definitely going to be using dry shampoo.  I know that is probably cheating, but just until my head adjusts... (sounds suspiciously like the whole "releasing of toxins" thing that happens with the MC).  The grossest part will definitely be the bangs, and I am just too vain to allow them to become matted to my forehead.

The whole celebration of the death of Osama bin Laden has been totally overshadowed for me by my shallow self indulgence in haircare, or lack thereof. #whitegirlproblems

I will do my best to faithfully report my findings, and then make an informed conclusion, with Sue's help, about whether or not this is something legit, or something for only the crazy and/or paranoid.  Until next time!!!