Freaky Hairs

Let's get right down to business.  Pearce has a freaky, lone hair growing out of the anterior deltoid region of his left arm.  It is 3 inches long. (I just measured). 

He was really cranky about letting me do that, so we are lucky to get any photographic evidence at all!! And it's not like this hair is new or anything, it's been holding strong for well over a year.  It is robust and hardy, and it even leans toward the sun.  It's like an antenna or something; perhaps it undergoes photosynthesis.  The strange part is that it is so lonesome!  Sure he has his armpit nest just around the corner, but the anterior deltoid is pretty much a bare landscape besides this single strand. 

I added the red circle just in case you weren't seeing it. This isn't some wispy baby hair either.  This is a serious man hair.  Like I said, robust.

Why not just pull that sucker out, you may ask.  Pearce has actually threatened to leave me if I even tug with too much pressure on his precious follicle.  I don't want to put our relationship at risk in the name of epilation!

Even weirder, a few nights before our wedding, I had a dream that I had a really long eyebrow hair.  The morning of our wedding, I decided I should probably try to do something about my brows, so I got to work with the tweezers... and I was smoothing one of my brows out and it just kept going.  I literally had a 1-2 inch eyebrow hair- just like in my dream!! (1) How did I actually dream about this?!  I must have been subconsciously aware of it from previous attempts at grooming or something.  (2) HOW HAD I NEVER consciously noticed it before?!?!?!  To be fair, it was super thin and silky and basically clear. Not even remotely like the rest of my eyebrow hairs, but still!! It should have been floating down in front of my eye, it should have been somewhat obvious!!

My freaky eyebrow hair should have been obvious to me.

I pulled my freak hair out right away, since it had the double whammy creepiness of being predicted in a dream and being reminiscent of something cultivated on a grandfather.  I have no photographic evidence, and I did consider saving the actual plucked hair, but come on.  Who does that? 

So why would two seemingly normal, healthy people be growing these inexplicable hairs?  The first, and most obvious possibilities that come to mind:

1. Alien implants.  They must be using us to collect data about the earth,
2. Morgellons

Clearly.  Hairy business forever and ever!!

Judgement Day: Count Down

Apparently the rapture is happening on May 21st, and then the world will end five months later on October 21st.  Mark your calendar, and find some sinner to watch your pets!  As a non-religious/atheist jew, with a giggly view of JC and the bible, I can't possibly expect to be raptured, so the next 11 days are all I have before the suffering and eventual end of the world.  If you need a post-rapture kitty litter changer, give me a call, and for a small fee of $299.99, you can rest assured that your cat will be tended to!

It's surprising that people aren't starting to flip out about this and go to extremes!  Maybe this is why my coworker mysteriously quit last week!  He was on to something.

If you really wanted to play the system to your best advantage, you should have a grand old time for the next 10 days: orgies, drugs, coveting thy neighbor's wife, gluttony, islam, long naps, and sodomy, just for starters!   SIN SIN SIN!  Then right before (because the rapture is happening at 6PM... is that eastern? pacific?) you atone or whatever you have to do to get raptured.  I don't know how it works, but it doesn't seem like it would be that hard.  Only morons believe this stuff, and honestly, I think Jesus and his Dad are gonna be pretty disappointed in the group they get if they do indeed decide to pass judgement this May.

Also, what does the actual rapture entail?  When I see/hear the word "rapture" I inevitably think "rupture" and then I think about a whole slew of gross medical mysteries.  Other times I have to sing "house of... jealous lovers."  And sometimes I think "raptor."  Raptors rule!  

If being raptured means you have to spend eternity with the type of people who actually believe the rapture is coming, then I think eternal damnation sounds more like my cup of boiling sulfur and brimstone.

However, it does sound like there is an alien abduction theme in this particular rapture prediction, which I find more attractive.

I assume that reading the internet is a sin, so I hope all you sinners enjoy your final days before the zombie armageddon!