Back in college, circa 2006, Christopher Boyd made what was considered to be the finest of remixes of the finest of Christmas songs. I JUST found an old CD with a copy of the epic tune, and decided to make an accompanying montage of related images. For your viewing/hearing pleasure this Christmas Eve:
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Saturday, December 03, 2011
An Introduction to Bacon
As always, this is going to be a realllly exciting and fascinating story. I have been wanting to make these Bacon Egg and Cheese Biscuit Cups for a while now. I don't like bacon, but I still recognize that it is an integral part of some of the best breakfast foods, so I am willing to use it as an ingredient. I know, you are SHOCKED and APPALLED that a person might not like bacon, but we never ate it as kids, and I barely even knew what it was until I was much older. I'd say it's cause I am "Jewish," but I know that isn't why, since we certainly did not keep kosher, and my Dad used to be a butcher at some point before I was born, and according to my Mom, he would definitely bring home bacon. The bacon.
Now that I have come clean about my indifference to America's favorite breakfast meat, you probably don't trust me. But I do try! My Mother-in-Law is probably one of the best chefs on the planet, and she often uses bacon in food. A lot. So I have come to expect seeing it around, and even enjoying it on some level, but still, bacon on its own to me has been like eating burnt grossness. I just don't get the appeal and obsessive devotion that goes along with the cult of the bacon.
THAT IS UNTIL RIGHT NOW. Like 5 minutes ago.
Pearce is out walking the demon, and I made him put the bacon in the over before he left because when it comes to me making him bacon, he will do whatever he can to ease along the process. It was my job to take it out of the oven and put it on the paper towels to dry off the grease. (This is part of why I can't handle eating it! It is like 90% fat that you have to manually dry away!?). But I still figured I should taste a bit just to see that it was OK.
LIFE CHANGING.
OMG.
This piece of bacon that I ate was so incredibly delicious. It filled my mouth with joy and happiness. I felt like I could bring about world peace and supply everyone with universal health care.
It was so fucking good, I was shocked. I have tried a lot of pieces of bacon at the request of people who insist that it is not possible to dislike bacon, and I have never experienced a piece of bacon like I just had now 8 minutes ago.
I then decided I needed to share this revelation with you, my many readers. The problem was that before I actually started to write, I decided to taste a second piece, to see if I could re-capture the experience to better describe it. And you know what? It was gross. Salty, burnt dreck. I feel like I am chasing the dragon! Now I have this memory of blissful bacon, but my mouth now tastes like an ashtray made of pork. And it's not like the piece I ate was visibly burnt, I selected the one that looked the most stereotypically "bacon-like."
WHAT THE FUCK BACON, WHAT THE FUCK.
I feel betrayed, confused and sad, and I wonder if this is why the Jews of yore forswore the pork.
Aaaaa-AAAAA-men.
Now that I have come clean about my indifference to America's favorite breakfast meat, you probably don't trust me. But I do try! My Mother-in-Law is probably one of the best chefs on the planet, and she often uses bacon in food. A lot. So I have come to expect seeing it around, and even enjoying it on some level, but still, bacon on its own to me has been like eating burnt grossness. I just don't get the appeal and obsessive devotion that goes along with the cult of the bacon.
THAT IS UNTIL RIGHT NOW. Like 5 minutes ago.
Pearce is out walking the demon, and I made him put the bacon in the over before he left because when it comes to me making him bacon, he will do whatever he can to ease along the process. It was my job to take it out of the oven and put it on the paper towels to dry off the grease. (This is part of why I can't handle eating it! It is like 90% fat that you have to manually dry away!?). But I still figured I should taste a bit just to see that it was OK.
LIFE CHANGING.
OMG.
This piece of bacon that I ate was so incredibly delicious. It filled my mouth with joy and happiness. I felt like I could bring about world peace and supply everyone with universal health care.
It was so fucking good, I was shocked. I have tried a lot of pieces of bacon at the request of people who insist that it is not possible to dislike bacon, and I have never experienced a piece of bacon like I just had now 8 minutes ago.
I then decided I needed to share this revelation with you, my many readers. The problem was that before I actually started to write, I decided to taste a second piece, to see if I could re-capture the experience to better describe it. And you know what? It was gross. Salty, burnt dreck. I feel like I am chasing the dragon! Now I have this memory of blissful bacon, but my mouth now tastes like an ashtray made of pork. And it's not like the piece I ate was visibly burnt, I selected the one that looked the most stereotypically "bacon-like."
WHAT THE FUCK BACON, WHAT THE FUCK.
I feel betrayed, confused and sad, and I wonder if this is why the Jews of yore forswore the pork.
Aaaaa-AAAAA-men.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Office Arson!!!
Here's the part where I tell you all about the most exciting thing to happen at work, ever. If you didn't already know, I am a Fire Protection Engineer and I work for a consulting company. We have a really sweet office right in Canton (Baltimore) on the water. There are currently 6 people in the office, so it is pretty small, and the office itself is on the first floor of a swanky apartment building. Typically, about 200+ joggers and dog-walkers pass our office front door every day. DOES NO ONE HAVE A JOB?!
I guess a lot of people move in and out of swanky apartments around October, so the apartment complex had a huge dumpster outside for residents to throw away their fancy crap, and this giant dumpster was sitting outside some of our windows. One Thursday afternoon, we hear a lot of noise, and we look out the window, and the giant dumpster is on FIRE. this:
Unfortunately, I did not have the presence of mind to start video taping from the start, and then coworker and I chattered and shrieked through the rest of the fire, so this doesn't really capture just how huge the fire was. Also, literally seconds after I stopped recording, one of the fire fighters accidentally shot another fire fighter in the face with the hose, blowing off his helmet. That would have really made for an awesome and worthwhile youtube video, but NO, I had to get impatient.
So anyway, we all thought it was just perfect that there was a big fire outside of a FIRE PROTECTION ENGINEERING office, so we were laughing and having a jolly old time, wondering about the heat release rates, as our windows cracked from the heat.
After the fire department had taken care of business, the apartment complex looked at the security footage and ... the plot thickens! They saw a figure in a black trench coat and black "Indiana Jones" hat throwing something into the dumpster right before the fire started! ARSON! I should mention that it was REALLY warm outside, as in no coats necessary at all. I have composed this amateur sketch in case you see him:
Could be a crack head got hold to the wrong stuff! O no wait! That is the wrong one... let me see... Ok... here he is:
Note the black trench coat, the hat and the flames. So now if you see him, you can make a citizen's arrest! The thing was that he had the looks of a person who had a rough time in high school... someone like... someone like...
Yeah! That's it. Ok so basically, they knew it was an arsonist setting dumpsters to the torch! They told us that we should keep an eye out, that the guy would probably come back! As if the knowledge that a creepy trench-coat wearing person already was sneaking around, but to think he would come back. Yikes!
Cut to Friday!
HE COMES BACK!
STILL WEARING THE SAME TRENCH COAT AND HAT IN THE BALMY WEATHER. He strolls on by the office, and by the dumpster, then he heads out to the water taxi where he waits. We call the building management people, review videos and confirm YES it's the same guy, so the cops are called. The arsonist is STILL waiting for the water taxi (we can see it from our window). A lone cop comes minutes after he boards the boat, and doesn't want to do any policing, but would rather shoot the shit with my boss. As the arsonist rides across the harbor to a KNOWN docking location; he is the only passenger on the water taxi. This would have been the EASIEST catch ever for the cop, and yet, he explained, he was about to get off for the evening, so there was really no point. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
So this whole situation is really silly, and I understand laziness, I do, but REALLY?
So the cop leaves, and life goes on.
LATER FRIDAY NIGHT
Our friend was in town and the weather was lovely so we decided to go out to Fell's Point and have some dinner at a restaurant, choosing the outdoor seating. So I am relating this crazy arsonist story to the friend, and we are eating, and lo and behold. BLACK HAT/BLACK TRENCH COAT walks by my table. No joke, same exact guy from earlier in the day. He was extremely distinct... it wasn't just any old trench coat, it was like old-timey steam punk living in mom's basement. He was with a friend, a skinny freak dude with lots of piercings and tattoos. So I did what any normal person would do, and sat dead silent until the duo passed, then I absolutely freaked out. FREAKED OUT! I mean really, seeing this guy again, on the loose! I ran up to the hostess, who the arsonist and co had briefly stopped and stood near, and I was all like "DO YOU KNOW THOSE PEOPLE?!" and she was terrified of me. I tried to explain this whole story, and she gave me the eyes that say "you are delusional."
Meanwhile, husband and friend are really annoyed at my histrionics. I don't just get worked up about things, I get really shrill and I talk very fast, and I become unbearable. It's just me being me! So we finish our meal, and we are going to walk over to bars for some drinks - might I point out that through all the freaking out I was uncomfortably sober. And I could not stop obsessing about the arsonist ON THE LOOSE!
As we walk through Fell's Point, there is a gang of FIRE FIGHTERS! I try to control my need to shriek my story at them, but I fail. I run up and start asking if they know about the Canton dumpster fire from the day before, and Yes! These are the very fire fighters who put that fire out! I ask, was there another fire?! Why are they there? They tell me that there is no fire, and that they are just there, hanging out.
"Well," I tell them, "the arsonist who set the dumpster on fire is HERE! I saw him walking around tonight, he is wearing a black trench coat and hat, so if you see him, he's your guy." And then I run away, because oh my god, that sounds completely insane and paranoid.
At that point husband and friend are about to just ditch me - they can't handle the insanity - so I swear that the freakout is over, since telling the fire fighters counts as "warning the authorities."
I have no real end to this story, because the arsonist of Canton is still at large, terrorizing our community's waste collection bins. In conclusion, be weary all ye Baltimorians, for he is out there, waiting, watching.
I guess a lot of people move in and out of swanky apartments around October, so the apartment complex had a huge dumpster outside for residents to throw away their fancy crap, and this giant dumpster was sitting outside some of our windows. One Thursday afternoon, we hear a lot of noise, and we look out the window, and the giant dumpster is on FIRE. this:
Unfortunately, I did not have the presence of mind to start video taping from the start, and then coworker and I chattered and shrieked through the rest of the fire, so this doesn't really capture just how huge the fire was. Also, literally seconds after I stopped recording, one of the fire fighters accidentally shot another fire fighter in the face with the hose, blowing off his helmet. That would have really made for an awesome and worthwhile youtube video, but NO, I had to get impatient.
So anyway, we all thought it was just perfect that there was a big fire outside of a FIRE PROTECTION ENGINEERING office, so we were laughing and having a jolly old time, wondering about the heat release rates, as our windows cracked from the heat.
After the fire department had taken care of business, the apartment complex looked at the security footage and ... the plot thickens! They saw a figure in a black trench coat and black "Indiana Jones" hat throwing something into the dumpster right before the fire started! ARSON! I should mention that it was REALLY warm outside, as in no coats necessary at all. I have composed this amateur sketch in case you see him:
Could be a crack head got hold to the wrong stuff! O no wait! That is the wrong one... let me see... Ok... here he is:
Note the black trench coat, the hat and the flames. So now if you see him, you can make a citizen's arrest! The thing was that he had the looks of a person who had a rough time in high school... someone like... someone like...
Yeah! That's it. Ok so basically, they knew it was an arsonist setting dumpsters to the torch! They told us that we should keep an eye out, that the guy would probably come back! As if the knowledge that a creepy trench-coat wearing person already was sneaking around, but to think he would come back. Yikes!
Cut to Friday!
HE COMES BACK!
STILL WEARING THE SAME TRENCH COAT AND HAT IN THE BALMY WEATHER. He strolls on by the office, and by the dumpster, then he heads out to the water taxi where he waits. We call the building management people, review videos and confirm YES it's the same guy, so the cops are called. The arsonist is STILL waiting for the water taxi (we can see it from our window). A lone cop comes minutes after he boards the boat, and doesn't want to do any policing, but would rather shoot the shit with my boss. As the arsonist rides across the harbor to a KNOWN docking location; he is the only passenger on the water taxi. This would have been the EASIEST catch ever for the cop, and yet, he explained, he was about to get off for the evening, so there was really no point. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
So this whole situation is really silly, and I understand laziness, I do, but REALLY?
So the cop leaves, and life goes on.
LATER FRIDAY NIGHT
Our friend was in town and the weather was lovely so we decided to go out to Fell's Point and have some dinner at a restaurant, choosing the outdoor seating. So I am relating this crazy arsonist story to the friend, and we are eating, and lo and behold. BLACK HAT/BLACK TRENCH COAT walks by my table. No joke, same exact guy from earlier in the day. He was extremely distinct... it wasn't just any old trench coat, it was like old-timey steam punk living in mom's basement. He was with a friend, a skinny freak dude with lots of piercings and tattoos. So I did what any normal person would do, and sat dead silent until the duo passed, then I absolutely freaked out. FREAKED OUT! I mean really, seeing this guy again, on the loose! I ran up to the hostess, who the arsonist and co had briefly stopped and stood near, and I was all like "DO YOU KNOW THOSE PEOPLE?!" and she was terrified of me. I tried to explain this whole story, and she gave me the eyes that say "you are delusional."
Meanwhile, husband and friend are really annoyed at my histrionics. I don't just get worked up about things, I get really shrill and I talk very fast, and I become unbearable. It's just me being me! So we finish our meal, and we are going to walk over to bars for some drinks - might I point out that through all the freaking out I was uncomfortably sober. And I could not stop obsessing about the arsonist ON THE LOOSE!
As we walk through Fell's Point, there is a gang of FIRE FIGHTERS! I try to control my need to shriek my story at them, but I fail. I run up and start asking if they know about the Canton dumpster fire from the day before, and Yes! These are the very fire fighters who put that fire out! I ask, was there another fire?! Why are they there? They tell me that there is no fire, and that they are just there, hanging out.
"Well," I tell them, "the arsonist who set the dumpster on fire is HERE! I saw him walking around tonight, he is wearing a black trench coat and hat, so if you see him, he's your guy." And then I run away, because oh my god, that sounds completely insane and paranoid.
At that point husband and friend are about to just ditch me - they can't handle the insanity - so I swear that the freakout is over, since telling the fire fighters counts as "warning the authorities."
I have no real end to this story, because the arsonist of Canton is still at large, terrorizing our community's waste collection bins. In conclusion, be weary all ye Baltimorians, for he is out there, waiting, watching.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Twilight: Birthing Demon
I am so ashamed that I went to see the most recent Twilight movie... but I had already set a precedent, so it was inevitable. I missed the first one, and then at some point between the time the first one came out, and the second one, I read all the books. In a few days, which is the only way that it is acceptable if you actually do read them all the way through, if only to prove that you can read and that you read trash quickly because you are too good for it, and you have more important, literary things to be reading. Uch, I make myself sick. But yeah, after the reading happened, I decided that I should probably watch the first one, and then I had to see the second, and so on.
Anyway, I will say what most people are well aware of: they were awful books, like truly awful. I knew this as I read them, and I raged at how incredibly painful and terrible it all was, but it was like this sick thing where I had to read them once I started. I think lots of people can relate to this phenomenon. I even had the bizarre experience of minor depression after the whirlwind of garbage consumption was over. It has happened before when getting to the end of REALLY good books, and it is inexplicable and, again, embarrassing that something so vile sucked me in like that. I know this has been discussed a million times before. I know that the whole Twilight thing has very confusing implications on everything from "teenage love" to "codependent/abusive relationships." I am not really interested in that; I am over caring about why this "appealed" to me (and tons and tons of other lamos) so much. I get it, it is emotional pornography! I am not going there, because I am just going to talk about this movie I just saw tonight (MONDAY NIGHT, to a filled theater!).
The point is, that this latest movie, like its predecessors, was hilarious, bad and amazing in its bizarre camp/creepiness. I think this was by far the creepiest of the movies, which was sort of a plus.
First I need to get a few gripes off my chest. The vampire/werewolf canons were disregarded:
I will be blunt and say that the first 10 minutes of the movie are completely unwatchable. The acting and writing is so so so outstandingly bad, even for these movies, that I was sort of surprised, even with my non-existent expectations. I guess I thought this new director was supposed to bring something special. The emotionally charged muzak-dramatica behind every stupid interaction between everyone is just mind-numbing. The first half of the movie belongs on LMN (Lifetime Movie Network). It is straight up a terrible soap opera.
Also, it is so sad that Edward gets a bachelor party, but Bella has literally no friends to take her out to party! That poor, doomed girl.
The sexy times are awkward, but it seems like the Bella chick has gotten a little bit of control over her lip-nibbling problem, and she is actually less despicable than usual, but only for a minute, before she gets impregnated with the demon spawn. I was disappointed in Robert Pattinson's physique! I like to see some back muscles in my soft core porn at least! Boo!
Then the mood of the movie shifts into something more... interesting? I can't remember when it happened in time line of the movie, but there is a truly inspired scene where the cgi wolves talk to each other in alarming Transformers voices. The extremes of strangeness in this movie are... extreme. Then we start in on the alien-autopsy of our "heroine." We basically get about 30-45 minutes of this:
Blah Blah Blah... Bella is looking more and more like a holocaust zombie in the family way, and then Edward has to eat through the placenta to get the baby out. Oh yeah, and that is after we watch as Bella gets possessed by the demon, and her back snaps and her knees seem to get crushed. It's pretty horrific! Daddy Edward clutches his baby child with a ring of blood smeared around his mouth. Every father should have to eat his child out of his lady wife.
Alien-autopsy Bella appears to be dead on the table, and they have pretty much forgotten her as they hold up the baby, Simba-style, for a while. Realization dawns that his true love is dying, so Robert P. shoots an enormous, novelty-sized syringe full of sparkle jizz into wifey's chest (nods to Pulp Fiction reference). And she is still sort of looking dead, so he gently bites her all over the place. That is love people, that is love.
Then, when your logical brain is convinced that it can't comprehend anything more insane, you get to watch as the wolf guy and the demon baby lock eyes and fall in love. OMG the whole theater was in hysterics.
Cut back to zombie-Bella on the table. We see a montage cutting between her life and the sparkle jizz oozing through her internal organs, fixing her and making her beautiful, even applying eye shadow and mascara. The movie ends with her opening her EVIL RED EYES! Gasp!
The girls sitting in front of us screamed in agony that they should have to wait for the final installment! People actually clapped at the end of the movie, more proof that it is a modern masterpiece of cinema. This was a Monday night showing at a theater that serves booze. I didn't see any tweens, or really teens either. There were some groups of moms and even some dudes with their ladies (whipped!), but mostly girls like me and my co-conspirator in terrible movies. I am not sure if anyone was there without a certain sense of irony and shame. Or at least I hope not...
Anyway, I will say what most people are well aware of: they were awful books, like truly awful. I knew this as I read them, and I raged at how incredibly painful and terrible it all was, but it was like this sick thing where I had to read them once I started. I think lots of people can relate to this phenomenon. I even had the bizarre experience of minor depression after the whirlwind of garbage consumption was over. It has happened before when getting to the end of REALLY good books, and it is inexplicable and, again, embarrassing that something so vile sucked me in like that. I know this has been discussed a million times before. I know that the whole Twilight thing has very confusing implications on everything from "teenage love" to "codependent/abusive relationships." I am not really interested in that; I am over caring about why this "appealed" to me (and tons and tons of other lamos) so much. I get it, it is emotional pornography! I am not going there, because I am just going to talk about this movie I just saw tonight (MONDAY NIGHT, to a filled theater!).
The point is, that this latest movie, like its predecessors, was hilarious, bad and amazing in its bizarre camp/creepiness. I think this was by far the creepiest of the movies, which was sort of a plus.
First I need to get a few gripes off my chest. The vampire/werewolf canons were disregarded:
- No sparkling vampires in the sunshine!
- Phasing werewolves are no longer dangerous to be near... wasn't that a big plot point in one of the other movies?
- The movie seems to disregard the inevitable loss of clothing as the shifter people explode into cgi wolves! There should have been more nudity! WTF!
- Obviously, in the Twilight universe, women do get their period! PROOF: unused box of tampax reminding Bella that she is late and prego. However, it is still never addressed how the blood thirsty vampires don't devour every menstruating female around! This is a monthly thing people, it would be a miracle that any ladies survive puberty.
- EVERYONE looks so puffy and weird in white-face. This has been a problem for me from the start, because it's just hard to look at. And everyone looks stupid with opaque colored contacts. HEY PEOPLE: opaque colored contacts make even "hot" movie stars look dumb, so please be advised that it is no longer 1998 and opaque colored contacts are not permitted.
I will be blunt and say that the first 10 minutes of the movie are completely unwatchable. The acting and writing is so so so outstandingly bad, even for these movies, that I was sort of surprised, even with my non-existent expectations. I guess I thought this new director was supposed to bring something special. The emotionally charged muzak-dramatica behind every stupid interaction between everyone is just mind-numbing. The first half of the movie belongs on LMN (Lifetime Movie Network). It is straight up a terrible soap opera.
Also, it is so sad that Edward gets a bachelor party, but Bella has literally no friends to take her out to party! That poor, doomed girl.The sexy times are awkward, but it seems like the Bella chick has gotten a little bit of control over her lip-nibbling problem, and she is actually less despicable than usual, but only for a minute, before she gets impregnated with the demon spawn. I was disappointed in Robert Pattinson's physique! I like to see some back muscles in my soft core porn at least! Boo!
Then the mood of the movie shifts into something more... interesting? I can't remember when it happened in time line of the movie, but there is a truly inspired scene where the cgi wolves talk to each other in alarming Transformers voices. The extremes of strangeness in this movie are... extreme. Then we start in on the alien-autopsy of our "heroine." We basically get about 30-45 minutes of this:
Blah Blah Blah... Bella is looking more and more like a holocaust zombie in the family way, and then Edward has to eat through the placenta to get the baby out. Oh yeah, and that is after we watch as Bella gets possessed by the demon, and her back snaps and her knees seem to get crushed. It's pretty horrific! Daddy Edward clutches his baby child with a ring of blood smeared around his mouth. Every father should have to eat his child out of his lady wife.
Alien-autopsy Bella appears to be dead on the table, and they have pretty much forgotten her as they hold up the baby, Simba-style, for a while. Realization dawns that his true love is dying, so Robert P. shoots an enormous, novelty-sized syringe full of sparkle jizz into wifey's chest (nods to Pulp Fiction reference). And she is still sort of looking dead, so he gently bites her all over the place. That is love people, that is love.
Then, when your logical brain is convinced that it can't comprehend anything more insane, you get to watch as the wolf guy and the demon baby lock eyes and fall in love. OMG the whole theater was in hysterics.
Cut back to zombie-Bella on the table. We see a montage cutting between her life and the sparkle jizz oozing through her internal organs, fixing her and making her beautiful, even applying eye shadow and mascara. The movie ends with her opening her EVIL RED EYES! Gasp!
The girls sitting in front of us screamed in agony that they should have to wait for the final installment! People actually clapped at the end of the movie, more proof that it is a modern masterpiece of cinema. This was a Monday night showing at a theater that serves booze. I didn't see any tweens, or really teens either. There were some groups of moms and even some dudes with their ladies (whipped!), but mostly girls like me and my co-conspirator in terrible movies. I am not sure if anyone was there without a certain sense of irony and shame. Or at least I hope not...
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Resurrection
Due to your many desperate requests that I bring the beloved blog back to life, here I am! Last night I was laying in bed, drunk, flat on my back, and I had this idea that when laying flat on my back in bed I felt like _____. Someone. Something. Whatever it was that is now a blank was REALLY hilarious to me, and I remember repeating it to myself like 6 times in an attempt to remember it, and I remember also thinking "This is so hilarious! This will be the first thing I write about when I start my blog again!"
Of course, I have literally no idea what it was that was so funny. I briefly thought that I should write it down, a la that episode of Seinfeld (The Heart Attack) that was on the other day with a Larry David cameo as a mad scientist on some sci-fi movie on Jerry's TV...
"Look, Sigmund. Look in the sky. The planets are on fire. It is just as you prophesied. The planets of our solar system, incinerating. Like flaming globes, Sigmund, like flaming globes!"
...but I don't usually keep a pad of paper or writing utensil handy, and I was basically on the verge of blacking out where the thought alone of actual physical movement is too much. It is really good that I had driven myself home only 20 minutes or so before passing out like that. Excellent decision making.*
Anyyyyyway, the point is, last night around 4AM, I had an amazing idea for a first post, and now I don't. So this hungover mess is my lackluster re-emergence into the world of sending out nothing to the nothing. The following items will be covered in short succession, hopefully with some illustrations:
*I don't condone drunk driving and I should clarify that I wasn't really drunk drunk when I drove home. I like to front load my evening with a few shots early on, and then dance a lot while holding a prop (in this case can of gross warm PBR, most of which I spilled on myself and others, and hardly any of which I actually drank) to discourage people from buying me more drinks. So really, I was just exhausted and dehydrated, which is also not a great way to drive yourself anywhere, but I was definitely within the legal driving limits! End scene.
Of course, I have literally no idea what it was that was so funny. I briefly thought that I should write it down, a la that episode of Seinfeld (The Heart Attack) that was on the other day with a Larry David cameo as a mad scientist on some sci-fi movie on Jerry's TV...
"Look, Sigmund. Look in the sky. The planets are on fire. It is just as you prophesied. The planets of our solar system, incinerating. Like flaming globes, Sigmund, like flaming globes!"
...but I don't usually keep a pad of paper or writing utensil handy, and I was basically on the verge of blacking out where the thought alone of actual physical movement is too much. It is really good that I had driven myself home only 20 minutes or so before passing out like that. Excellent decision making.*
Anyyyyyway, the point is, last night around 4AM, I had an amazing idea for a first post, and now I don't. So this hungover mess is my lackluster re-emergence into the world of sending out nothing to the nothing. The following items will be covered in short succession, hopefully with some illustrations:
- Croatia & Game of Thrones Season II
- Arson at the office!
- Dog on Prozac/Crazy Vet
- Halloween
- Other
*I don't condone drunk driving and I should clarify that I wasn't really drunk drunk when I drove home. I like to front load my evening with a few shots early on, and then dance a lot while holding a prop (in this case can of gross warm PBR, most of which I spilled on myself and others, and hardly any of which I actually drank) to discourage people from buying me more drinks. So really, I was just exhausted and dehydrated, which is also not a great way to drive yourself anywhere, but I was definitely within the legal driving limits! End scene.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Random Crush & Old Movie Review
So I know I claimed I would not be blogging, but something important came up. Namely, the fact that I had an epiphany, and I think I gave myself a small allowance for blogging about things of that nature.
I came to the realization that I really like the movie Coming To America, starring Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall. Also, in a bizarre twist, I totally have the HOTS for Eddie Murphy in this movie! I know, he hasn't been really funny since the 80s (although my grandmother LOVED that movie where he played the obese scientist), but still! His character in C2A is totally dreamy, and he has the most winning and adorable smile ever.
And, Arsenio Hall and that earring! Need I say more? In addition to this, they do those very authentic Zumundian/African accents and they play all the guys in the barber shop, among other characters. The clothes are to DIE for. Acid wash pleated mom jeans on the dudes, super tiny crop tops and mini skirts for the ladies, jheri curls, lots of VERY strong and regal shoulder padding. The attention to detail is what really takes it past the realm of just good costume, and elevates it to something that is truly historically significant.
The love story is also so great, and I dunno if it is a spoke in my menstrual cycle, but it really touches the cockles of my heart. (AKA I was tearing up, so yes, this is menstrually related). But like when he looks at her, it is so sexy/tender/sexy. Love that!!
There is also the bonus of Samuel L. Jackson as "Hold Up Man!" It kind of makes me wonder, is this one of the first movies where he perfected this attitude/character, which I guess he has been using a lot in the years since then (as noted from that amazing soundboard I just linked).
The movie has been on HBO like every time I turn on the TV. And I am NOT a big TV person at all, so this is another instance of that unfortunate (or very fortunate!) situation where you manage to always catch the exact same scene of that exact same rerun of whatever show... etc. But, in this case, every time I see it on TV, I have to watch. It's like what Overboard was to my very eventful 2010. Same deal.
I feel so much better! I just had to get this off my chest, so thanks for hearing my confession.
I came to the realization that I really like the movie Coming To America, starring Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall. Also, in a bizarre twist, I totally have the HOTS for Eddie Murphy in this movie! I know, he hasn't been really funny since the 80s (although my grandmother LOVED that movie where he played the obese scientist), but still! His character in C2A is totally dreamy, and he has the most winning and adorable smile ever.
There is also the bonus of Samuel L. Jackson as "Hold Up Man!" It kind of makes me wonder, is this one of the first movies where he perfected this attitude/character, which I guess he has been using a lot in the years since then (as noted from that amazing soundboard I just linked).
The movie has been on HBO like every time I turn on the TV. And I am NOT a big TV person at all, so this is another instance of that unfortunate (or very fortunate!) situation where you manage to always catch the exact same scene of that exact same rerun of whatever show... etc. But, in this case, every time I see it on TV, I have to watch. It's like what Overboard was to my very eventful 2010. Same deal.
I feel so much better! I just had to get this off my chest, so thanks for hearing my confession.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Gone til November
I am sad to say that I will have to take an extended pause from blogging. I have this huge test coming up in October to get my professional engineers license, and I really need to get my ass in gear. First of all, it's on basically the entire gamut of fire protection engineering, which includes a lot of stuff I don't do on a regular basis, or at all. Great! Second, I haven't taken a test since like 2006, so it's going to be really rough. I used to be a test taking pro. I went to college! I was the freaking valedictorian of my high school! I knew how to cram like a pro! Is there a class you can take to re-learn how to learn?
Also, I am going on 3 weeks worth of vacation before doomsday, so I need to maximize my non-vacation time for studying. This test is actually ruining my life. Halloween this year is going to be a pathetic joke, cause a good costume requires time and many trips to goodwills and craft stores! I am depressed just thinking about missing that. But, I promise to get back to the ol' web log as soon as the life ruining is finished. I might even write a tiny tiny bit if something really earth shifting pops up, but most likely I will try to have some small amount of willpower to resist the seductive pull of the interwebs. Uch, and I just let myself get addicted to Reddit too! O the injustice!
Please say a prayer for me at your Danielle Shrine every night or morning, depending on your prayer schedule preferences, until October 25th, and 8 weeks beyond. Tell God, or whoever, that I should definitely pass, because I do NOT want to be doing this studying nonsense again, ever, preferably. Also, I like stamps with my name on them, which I would actually be allowed to get if I pass!! Ok, now it will be infinitely embarrassing if I don't pass. So announcing this to the porn hunters and bots that frequent my blog will hopefully inspire me to be really committed to avoiding the shame of "public" failure.
Thank you and goodnight until November!
Also, I am going on 3 weeks worth of vacation before doomsday, so I need to maximize my non-vacation time for studying. This test is actually ruining my life. Halloween this year is going to be a pathetic joke, cause a good costume requires time and many trips to goodwills and craft stores! I am depressed just thinking about missing that. But, I promise to get back to the ol' web log as soon as the life ruining is finished. I might even write a tiny tiny bit if something really earth shifting pops up, but most likely I will try to have some small amount of willpower to resist the seductive pull of the interwebs. Uch, and I just let myself get addicted to Reddit too! O the injustice!
Please say a prayer for me at your Danielle Shrine every night or morning, depending on your prayer schedule preferences, until October 25th, and 8 weeks beyond. Tell God, or whoever, that I should definitely pass, because I do NOT want to be doing this studying nonsense again, ever, preferably. Also, I like stamps with my name on them, which I would actually be allowed to get if I pass!! Ok, now it will be infinitely embarrassing if I don't pass. So announcing this to the porn hunters and bots that frequent my blog will hopefully inspire me to be really committed to avoiding the shame of "public" failure.
Thank you and goodnight until November!
farts
omg the farts that are coming out of me right now are so deadly. i wanna eat them up. they smell like weird food that's been stepped on. so danielle has been asking me for decades to write this blog entry. literally decades. that's how much she likes my farts. ok starting off i will describe all the times i have farted in public and what ensued after.
1. this fart happened when i was a junior in high school. i was working at starbucks (before i got fired) and i was leaning over and cleaning the tables when i felt some pressure at my asshole. you know how it goes. so i thought, oh i'll just release it slowly. no sound, no foul. so i did that but it didn't work out as planned. as it came out, it just came out full speed. there must have been a turd behind it that made it come out faster. anyway, i was there, leaning over, wearing my green apron, scrubbing the tables and i let out a massive fart. it didn't smell that bad but it was definitely loud and there was definitely someone right behind me as i let it out. sorry to that person. if we ever meet, sorry!
2. another time i was at sarah lawrence and in the library upstairs in the computer room. i could feel a big one coming on but i didn't feel like getting up and walking all the way to the bathroom! no way! so instead i decided i would just let it out and pretend it wasn't me. this was actually much easier than i thought because i had headphones on and it kind of felt like the fart must have come from someone else since i couldn't really hear it. so i let that one rip too and the girl to the right of me obviously immediately looked up from whatever bullshit she was doing to make a disgusted face but i just kept on typing. you see, if you don't admit that you did the fart, most people will assume you didn't. so for this fart i just wore headphones and let them out and it was like i didn't have to acknowledge my farts because i didn't hear them. i'm not sorry about those farts.
3. another farting episode came during a yoga class i was forced to attend (you know who you are). i was in the class, prending to go through the motions as if i knew what i was doing. the whole time i felt like i had to fart but it kept going away, coming back. finally at the end of the class, the urge came back! i decided why not, ill let this one out too. i didn't know if it was gonna be a deadly night shade type of fart or loud or silent or what! it was a total mystery to me as it was to everyone else in the class who heard it. so i let it out right next to sue and melissa and they preceded to crack up. i like to think i didn't crack a smile but i did. i think the instructor wasn't too pleased. she was REALLY into yoga. this really disrupted the "flow" of the class. she prolly pretended she didn't even have an asshole, the liar.
4. another time, i was at golden best sitting outside with muh girls when i had to fart and i decided being outside was the best to do it. so i let this one go too but just as it ended, a big old hipster fart came walking by. he had heard the whole thing and he didn't even congratulate me!
according to melissa, this last fart description doesn't do it justice so i will elaborate. ok. i was facing melissa and katie and i KNEW that a guy was walking towards us and maybe i wanted to impress him or maybe i wanted to impress my friends with how i could slip a fart right past this guy without him even knowing! so i decided to go for it and fart before he had a chance to be near me. but unfortunately (or fortunately) he was crossing my path RIGHT as the fart came out and he heard the whole thing. I guess my depth perception was off. or maybe he took one look at me and decided he wanted to propose to me so he sped up his walking only to hear me fart and be too horrified to keep going with his plan. either way, we never spoke and he didn't congratulate me or high five me or anything. this is how i knew this wasn't the man for me.
that is all for now! love you
Friday, June 17, 2011
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