I Voted

Last month I got a letter in the mail scolding me for committing voter fraud.  Oops!  So maybe I voted twice, but aren't there lots of dead people voting all the time?  Shouldn't they have some sort of zombie hunting team committed to the cause of stopping these nightwalkers from infiltrating our ballot boxes?

The whole ordeal was really stupid, and the fact that I actually received some sort of acknowledgment in the mail is really impressive.  For some reason, I got stung by the voting bug right before the 2010 midterm election, and I was totally pumped to vote.  Maryland is a state of mostly Democrats, especially where I live, and I planned to vote with the majority.  So basically, my vote would be largely unimportant.  Whatever, I was into it!!   I was damn sure I wanted to vote, but I also was damn sure that I wouldn't be waiting around at my local elementary school in some long line.  I actually registered to vote and even signed up for the absentee ballot ON TIME!  And I even filled it out, and sent it out, ON TIME!  I made all the deadlines, some kind of first for me.

BUT...
Just as my fingers released the ballot into the community mailbox slot, beyond the point of retrieval, I realized:  I didn't put a stamp on my ballot. 

Womp Womp.

O shit! Will they deliver it or will it go directly to the trash?  There was no return address!!  It needed postage!  OMG!!!!

I freaked out and frantically called the election people. They calmed me down, and said they weren't sure what would happen, but that I could go vote in person too.  So on voting day, I went to the local elementary school and awkwardly explained my situation, and made them promise that I wouldn't commit voter fraud.  I filled out my specialized second ballot, which was different from the normal ballot, probably because they sensed that my vote was important, and not because I was mentally unstable.  This all seemed VERY IMPORTANT TO ME!   I was determined to get my vote on.

Whatever.  So that happened, and then I promptly forgot about it/blocked it out because my overzealous voting fervor was pretty embarrassing by Wednesday morning.

Then I got this letter in the mail!!! That means that...

1. The postal service delivered mail without postage!
2. The elderly citizens who counted votes were actually paying attention?!?!

Anyway, it is all very surprising, as I personally know about the ridiculous inefficiency of our beloved government.  Plus, I took AP Government in High School.  Pearce keeps trying to throw away the letter, but I won't let him. I really think it deserves to be preserved so I will remember the year I voted twice, and so I will remind myself that voting at midterm elections in Maryland is a total waste of time.

An Open Letter to Our Blogger

Dearest Danielle:

While I respect your proven abilities as a pop culture forecaster, I have to take issue with your April 27, 2011 post, prediction#3. Mermaids, sadly enough, will not become the next big thing. While mermaids have a rich mythology and cinematic history, you sorely misunderstand the driving force behind major American trends: young preteen girls and, to a lesser extent, adolescent boys.

• Vampires- teenage girls- latent sexuality being expressed safely through the surrogate metaphor of sucking blood.

(Got Junk)

• Werewolves- really nice guys who become virile animals one time a month.
• Justin Beiber and the Jonas brothers- teenage girls- sexual fantasies who are rendered unthreatening by the wearing of abstinence rings and nonthreatening attitude toward authority.
• Zombies- adolescent boys- Mindless violence (literally).

Obsessions of pre-teen girl all are based around the blooming of sexuality that they are not ready to understand or accept. These fantasies are exciting, but not threatening. Even in Twilight, the vampire wouldn’t have sex until marriage.

Mermaids lack the requisite equipment to pique the sexual interest of teenage girls, literally. The physical differences of mermen come too close to straight up bestiality to really be a viable romantic fantasy. And, unlike vampires, werewolves, and pubescent singers, they cannot hide in plain sight where they could come into contact with any average teen girl on any average day. It is too far outside the realm of possibilities.

(Junkless)

And, as for teenage boys… lets be honest, mermen are just too fruity to be a violence fantasy and mermaids are too vaginaless to be a sexual fantasy (outside of the fetishists... but, no judgment there!)

Also, as per point 1, I fully expect you to commit to your forecast and name your first born Blanche, whether girl or boy.

Sincerely,

The Specialest Bean

Celebration

As an addition to yesterday's post, Becca felt that Sleep Apnea might also be the NEXT BIG EPIDEMIC TO STRIKE OUR NATION! But hmm I am not sure if that can really hold a candle to obesity. Especially since a lot of times, sleep apnea is caused by being a gigantic fat ass - your heft is actually smothering you as you sleep. Gross! To be fair, my father has it, but he could certainly stand to lose some weight. He has one of those darth vadar masks he sleeps in. I am sure my mom loves waking up to that.

I'm racking my brain for my opinions on the up and coming health scare that will have all of the USA flipping our shit and giving our children complexes... but nothing really comes to mind. I guess that means fear of the fat will stick with us for a while longer. That is to say, if I can't think of anything else, THERE IS NOTHING ELSE!

O right! Tomorrow is the Royal Wedding! Maybe I will get around to painting my nails! How are those two things related? They aren't!

I have been drinking tea though, in celebration, for the past few years.

Did you know that there is a recipe for chicken where you actually get a food processor and toss in some raw strips of bacon and make BACON PASTE then you slather that shit on your chicken? Well, that recipe does exist, and it was prepared for me tonight, and it was awesome. I actually got to stir the bacon paste, and it was something I hope to do again. I don't even like bacon, but i do enjoy pastes. paste paste paste.

Poor Danielle's Almanack

It has been an extremely long pause between then and now. My bad!

These are my predictions of trends that are going to be BIG BIG BIG very soon. Just watch and see.

1. Naming your daughters after the Golden Girls (either their names in the show, or their names in real life). This is obviously going to be the next big baby naming trend. Just think about it! You can only name your children out of madlibs grab bag book for so long. It has to come back... Blanche and Dorothy?! Estelle? I'm not saying you are limited to those "four previously married women living together in Miami, sharing their various experiences together and enjoying themselves despite hard times." Just names that scream OLD LADY/born in the 1920s. Maybe like Pearl, Etta, Mildred, Doris, Bernice.... Trust me on this. I pray for daughters so I can start this soon to be hot and happening trend.
2. GALAXY Print. Ok so we just had like leopard print, and like plaids maybe? But I predict that the milky way and the cosmos are going to be HUGE!!!!! We are in the 21st Century right? Shouldn't we be living on the moon? Shouldn't Skynet have already become self aware?! The robot apocalypse should be well underway! Reach for the Moon, and if you miss, you will still end up among the stars, or something like that. Give me a freaking pair of these bitches and I will wear them, regardless of what HAL tells me to do.
3. Mermaids! Again, sort of a no-brainer. The sexy vampires and werewolves are all sparkled out. Unicorns are already too burdened with rainbow colored irony. And do you remember the Little Mermaid!!?! WHO DIDN'T LOVE THAT?! I even had the whole set of sheets. And then remember when the Priest got a boner when he was marrying them?!! And the sheets had the castles that looked like penises?!?! I can't believe I spent a large portion of my childhood sleepy time cocooned in cock-castles under the sea. It's almost too awesome to really grasp. Anyway, mermaids are the new thing. The only problem is, they are usually female, right? And like tween girls like sexy men-children. Maybe the vampires and werewolves will stick around, but they will fall in love with mermaids. That is probably what we are looking at for the next ten years of YA literature and movie franchises. Also, they will inevitably remake that oscar-worthy mermaid movie we all love, SPLASH!! They will get some great and talented actress like Megan Fox to play Daryl Hannah, and probably get Tom Hanks' son to play... Tom Hanks' son. Sure to be epic!

OK! That is all that my divining skills will allow me to see of events to come for tonight. The damn pollen is blocking my sight into the futureeeeee.