The Rapture: Boring

I wonder what happened to Harold Camping.

I'll say it.  The rapture was a real snoozefest around these parts. I didn't see a single soul ascending into the sky to meet Jesus.  I didn't hear the Trump of God, or whatever was supposed accompany the zombie lord when he came to slurp out our entrails.  As I have long suspected, I am living in a town of sinners and non-believers, and most likely you are too.  Therefore, nothing has changed for us yet, on this cheerful day of reckoning. We were basically already suffering here - hell on earth.  No biggie, nothing we aren't used to.

Probably most of the rapturing took place out in the woods, where the true believers must live.  Far away from the antichrist, who lives a few doors down from me.  Non-sinners are total shut-ins.  You have to be in this day and age with Satan at every corner, looking to lure you off the path to holiness.  In conclusion, if you were lame enough to be raptured, I doubt anyone will notice you are gone for a while, except maybe your cats (unless you paid me to watch them for you). 

Still, I am noticing that things are getting worse.  I guess God wants to start small with the suffering, and gradually build it up to apocalyptic levels as we get closer to the End of Days on October 21st. I wonder when we will get to see the Cthulu!  Probably mid-September.

Proof that that the Tribulations have begun:

• Pearce's alarm clock broke!  Sure, it's from like 1970 with that tacky wood paneling and giant analog switches and dials, and I have been begging him to let me get him a new one for ages, but it stopped alarming him!  A sure sign of the antichrist gaining control over the earth, since the antichrist loves sloth and tardiness!
• I just made myself some tea and I accidentally put my hand over the spout in the water boiler, and now my palm is sort of tender from the steam!  Satan would use burning as his torture method of choice, second only to maybe flaying or sodomizing you with a pitchfork.
• I just bought a new leather purse at Marshall's at an amazing price, but got home and noticed it had a tiny blue pen mark on the bottom.  O the indignity!
• The weather is totally gorgeous outside, but I walked through a spiderweb and may have gotten a mosquito bite on my foot when I took the dog out to pee!!! The torturous itching!
• Umm... Gasoline is reallllly expensive?
• Work sucks?
•  
• Hmm

The suffering I must endure for my evil ways!!! ALAS!  Is there still time to repent? Hey JC, let's make a deal.

Pick-Up Lines to Use During the Rapture

Thank you to Colleen Ruddick and her CaaaRazy Coworkers, Lauren Kerr, Josh Wolf, and Nadja Vielot for contributing... 

Is that the Former President!?

"How'd you like a sneak preview of heaven?"

"Still on earth?  You must be a bad girl..."

"How about the only thing that gets left behind tonight is our dignity?"

"Wow, I must have not been as bad as I thought in this life because I am surrounded by angels..."

"Seeing as we're both fucked already..."

"So if there's going to be a second coming tomorrow, want to get the first one out of the way now?"

"So yeah, if I'm not here when you wake up, I ascended into heaven..."

"Let's make like the saved and just ditch all our clothes here?"

"You're making my little Christ rise again..."

"Jesus told me that you and I are supposed to get a head start on re-populating the earth."

"Was that the final tribulation, or did you just rock my world?"

"Did it hurt...(Did what hurt?)... When your insides were vaporized as you rose into heaven?"

"The Rapture must have come early because I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAAAAAAAINS!"

"I can totally see up your skirt as you rise up in the air to meet Jesus."

"No such thing as a morning after pill tonight, baby."

"Just this one time, let me rapture in your mouth."

"Is that the Lord Himself descending from heaven with a shout, or did you just light up my world?"

GET RAPTURED!

DOWNLOAD A SWEET MIXTAPE I MADE (before it's too late)!

Playlist:

1. TV on the Radio - Staring at the Sun
2. Radiohead - The Butcher
3. Sufjan Stevens - I Want to be Well
4. Lykke Li - Get Some
5. The Black Keys - Howlin' for You
6. Glasser - Clamour
7. MGMT - Flash Delirium
8. PJ Harvey - The Words that Maketh Murder
9. The Knife - One Hit
10. Radiohead - Lotus Flower
11. Friends - Friend Crush
12. Panda Bear - Afterburner
13. Lykke Li - Youth Knows No Pain
14. Fleet Foxes - Grown Ocean
15. Gang Gang Dance - Mindkilla
16. Glasser - Apply
17. TV on the Radio - Caffeinated Consciousness
18. Cults - Go Outside

Judgement Day: Count Down

Apparently the rapture is happening on May 21st, and then the world will end five months later on October 21st.  Mark your calendar, and find some sinner to watch your pets!  As a non-religious/atheist jew, with a giggly view of JC and the bible, I can't possibly expect to be raptured, so the next 11 days are all I have before the suffering and eventual end of the world.  If you need a post-rapture kitty litter changer, give me a call, and for a small fee of $299.99, you can rest assured that your cat will be tended to!

It's surprising that people aren't starting to flip out about this and go to extremes!  Maybe this is why my coworker mysteriously quit last week!  He was on to something.

If you really wanted to play the system to your best advantage, you should have a grand old time for the next 10 days: orgies, drugs, coveting thy neighbor's wife, gluttony, islam, long naps, and sodomy, just for starters!   SIN SIN SIN!  Then right before (because the rapture is happening at 6PM... is that eastern? pacific?) you atone or whatever you have to do to get raptured.  I don't know how it works, but it doesn't seem like it would be that hard.  Only morons believe this stuff, and honestly, I think Jesus and his Dad are gonna be pretty disappointed in the group they get if they do indeed decide to pass judgement this May.

Also, what does the actual rapture entail?  When I see/hear the word "rapture" I inevitably think "rupture" and then I think about a whole slew of gross medical mysteries.  Other times I have to sing "house of... jealous lovers."  And sometimes I think "raptor."  Raptors rule!  

If being raptured means you have to spend eternity with the type of people who actually believe the rapture is coming, then I think eternal damnation sounds more like my cup of boiling sulfur and brimstone.

However, it does sound like there is an alien abduction theme in this particular rapture prediction, which I find more attractive.

I assume that reading the internet is a sin, so I hope all you sinners enjoy your final days before the zombie armageddon!