The Rapture: Boring

I wonder what happened to Harold Camping.

I'll say it.  The rapture was a real snoozefest around these parts. I didn't see a single soul ascending into the sky to meet Jesus.  I didn't hear the Trump of God, or whatever was supposed accompany the zombie lord when he came to slurp out our entrails.  As I have long suspected, I am living in a town of sinners and non-believers, and most likely you are too.  Therefore, nothing has changed for us yet, on this cheerful day of reckoning. We were basically already suffering here - hell on earth.  No biggie, nothing we aren't used to.

Probably most of the rapturing took place out in the woods, where the true believers must live.  Far away from the antichrist, who lives a few doors down from me.  Non-sinners are total shut-ins.  You have to be in this day and age with Satan at every corner, looking to lure you off the path to holiness.  In conclusion, if you were lame enough to be raptured, I doubt anyone will notice you are gone for a while, except maybe your cats (unless you paid me to watch them for you). 

Still, I am noticing that things are getting worse.  I guess God wants to start small with the suffering, and gradually build it up to apocalyptic levels as we get closer to the End of Days on October 21st. I wonder when we will get to see the Cthulu!  Probably mid-September.

Proof that that the Tribulations have begun:

• Pearce's alarm clock broke!  Sure, it's from like 1970 with that tacky wood paneling and giant analog switches and dials, and I have been begging him to let me get him a new one for ages, but it stopped alarming him!  A sure sign of the antichrist gaining control over the earth, since the antichrist loves sloth and tardiness!
• I just made myself some tea and I accidentally put my hand over the spout in the water boiler, and now my palm is sort of tender from the steam!  Satan would use burning as his torture method of choice, second only to maybe flaying or sodomizing you with a pitchfork.
• I just bought a new leather purse at Marshall's at an amazing price, but got home and noticed it had a tiny blue pen mark on the bottom.  O the indignity!
• The weather is totally gorgeous outside, but I walked through a spiderweb and may have gotten a mosquito bite on my foot when I took the dog out to pee!!! The torturous itching!
• Umm... Gasoline is reallllly expensive?
• Work sucks?
•  
• Hmm

The suffering I must endure for my evil ways!!! ALAS!  Is there still time to repent? Hey JC, let's make a deal.