RIP Favorite Gym Shorts

The weather has been the tits around here, and magically, my disgusting seasonal allergies have been very under control (only minimal snot gush and itching).  Cross fingers!  As I result, I have been running outside around my neighborhood whenever possible, making a point to wave at people and say “Oh, Haie” and be generally creepy to all I encounter.  I tend to see the same people a lot, and also I see the same people that Lucy barks at when I take her on walks (we take the same route).  So I want them to realize that I am indeed a psycho who is training her to kill them.

I didn’t get to go today because I was at a networking event for my job, pounding jumbo glasses of free wine and being awkward.  Also, I think I needed a day off after yesterday’s run.  Here is why.

As far as working out goes, I can be very picky about what clothes I wear, and I work out a lot, so when I like things, I buy a lot of them to cut down on washings.  I am really into the Soffe shorts, which I now see have a sort of cultish cheerleader following after a quick internet search for pictures… 

Anyway, I have like 10 pairs in various colors, but I have 2 pairs in blue.   One of the blue shorts is from like 11^th grade, when I first started running, and the other pair is much newer.  The old ones were my favorites because they were so ancient and the elastic started to rot, and they fit so perfectly. We (the shorts and I) went through a prolonged honeymoon period where I would try to cycle them in at least once a week, since they didn’t pinch or ride up.  It was bliss, and they seemed to get better and better with age.

But the past few weeks, things have been a little iffy.  I have been trying to avoid the shorts, but yesterday was a laundry day, so they were all that was left, and my ass is like a shelf, so I figured I could support them just this one last time.  Unfortunately I was wrong.  I think it is easier to describe in a graph:

We are well past the hump now, and the honeymoon is swiftly crashing to an end around my ankles.  See what I did there?  According to my graph, yesterday would have been the point where we went into negative comfort territory.  So I was running down the part of my route that is a main road, and I got a honk.  Uch!  I hate that!  (NOT! I LOVE THAT!  Approval from anonymous strangers in cars makes my self esteem go up up up).  But anyway, in reality, it was probably not because Mr. HonkHappy enjoyed the jiggle in my jog, but more likely because my shorts had slipped down to mid-butt as I was running.  I yanked them up, but they continued to fall down, over and over again.  The elastic had finally given up.  But that doesn’t mean I was going to quit!  I was just hitching up the shorts every quarter mile or so, really classy.  Not like anyone was watching me after the honking incident, but if they were to have glanced my way, they would have seen lots and lots of underwear and booty.  (I wear like 6 pairs of underwear when I run). (No I don’t).  (At least I was wearing underwear, right?!).  (At least the underwear were bright pink so everyone would know that the jig was up).  Underwear or no, according to some people, I have a very friendly butt crack. That means it is always peaking out to also say a creepy “Haieee.”

  

Also, can I just interject some thoughts about the spandex American Apparel leggings?!  These things are meant for working out?  Knowing AA, working out is code for rapey foreplay, for which these pants are ideal, since they are either giving you intense camel toe or they are sliding down your butt.   

So I basically mooned my whole neighborhood, and now I have officially retired my favorite workout shorts.  It was a sad day on a lot of levels for a lot of people.

GET RAPTURED!

DOWNLOAD A SWEET MIXTAPE I MADE (before it's too late)!

Playlist:

1. TV on the Radio - Staring at the Sun
2. Radiohead - The Butcher
3. Sufjan Stevens - I Want to be Well
4. Lykke Li - Get Some
5. The Black Keys - Howlin' for You
6. Glasser - Clamour
7. MGMT - Flash Delirium
8. PJ Harvey - The Words that Maketh Murder
9. The Knife - One Hit
10. Radiohead - Lotus Flower
11. Friends - Friend Crush
12. Panda Bear - Afterburner
13. Lykke Li - Youth Knows No Pain
14. Fleet Foxes - Grown Ocean
15. Gang Gang Dance - Mindkilla
16. Glasser - Apply
17. TV on the Radio - Caffeinated Consciousness
18. Cults - Go Outside

Judgement Day: Count Down

Apparently the rapture is happening on May 21st, and then the world will end five months later on October 21st.  Mark your calendar, and find some sinner to watch your pets!  As a non-religious/atheist jew, with a giggly view of JC and the bible, I can't possibly expect to be raptured, so the next 11 days are all I have before the suffering and eventual end of the world.  If you need a post-rapture kitty litter changer, give me a call, and for a small fee of $299.99, you can rest assured that your cat will be tended to!

It's surprising that people aren't starting to flip out about this and go to extremes!  Maybe this is why my coworker mysteriously quit last week!  He was on to something.

If you really wanted to play the system to your best advantage, you should have a grand old time for the next 10 days: orgies, drugs, coveting thy neighbor's wife, gluttony, islam, long naps, and sodomy, just for starters!   SIN SIN SIN!  Then right before (because the rapture is happening at 6PM... is that eastern? pacific?) you atone or whatever you have to do to get raptured.  I don't know how it works, but it doesn't seem like it would be that hard.  Only morons believe this stuff, and honestly, I think Jesus and his Dad are gonna be pretty disappointed in the group they get if they do indeed decide to pass judgement this May.

Also, what does the actual rapture entail?  When I see/hear the word "rapture" I inevitably think "rupture" and then I think about a whole slew of gross medical mysteries.  Other times I have to sing "house of... jealous lovers."  And sometimes I think "raptor."  Raptors rule!  

If being raptured means you have to spend eternity with the type of people who actually believe the rapture is coming, then I think eternal damnation sounds more like my cup of boiling sulfur and brimstone.

However, it does sound like there is an alien abduction theme in this particular rapture prediction, which I find more attractive.

I assume that reading the internet is a sin, so I hope all you sinners enjoy your final days before the zombie armageddon!

Food of choice: Marshmallows

Its time. Its time for me to explain all the different types of marshmallows there are and how I incorporate them into my everyday life. For instance, today I had two marshmallows (Safeway brand). One was roasted on the stove and another I ate plain. The one from the stove incidentally set off the fire alarm which alarmed my boyfriend’s sister. She must not be used to people making fire hazards in the sake of marshmallows.

Moving on! There are so many different types but for the sake of clarity I will only go into my top ten.  

Number one:

Circus peanuts: I like these for their color and their texture. When you eat one, you need another. Every time I eat them, it’s like my mouth forgot how good they can be. And then I end up eating a whole bag of them in one sitting. They are best from 7-11 or royal farms. That’s where they are freshest. The 50 cent pacakeged ones.

 

2.Marshmallows from the lucky charms box. As Joanna's dad can attest, the marshmallows are my favorite part. If it were up to me i would make the it 75% marshmallow and 25% cereal. I think if it were up to most people, they would agree. The marshmallows are soo good! even without milk. They have a nice crunch that gets stuck in your teeth when you eat them dry. i heard from a reputable source (Danny Markus) that you can buy just the marshmallows in bulk. WHERE IS THIS POSSIBLE AND HOW DO I NOT KNOW ABOUT IT??? if you do know of a source for these, please tell me.

3. Whats next? standard marshmallows from safeway! these off-brand marshmallows are much better than the name brand jet puffed kind. They have some extra dusty stuff on them which i find to be delicious. it is! take my word for it. I'm clearly the expert in this kind of stuff.

4. Fluff. Fluff is delicious too. it is especially good in hot chocolate because its already kind of liquidy so it just coats the top of the drink. Delicious! once i was going out with a guy who didn't agree with my marshmallow habit and he deliberately farted in a jar of fluff! we didn't break up for that reason but we prolly should have.

5. artisan Marshmallows: i don't understand the point of these. Marshmallows are as low brow as you can get and should remain that way. I have found that the cheaper the brand, the more delicious. This doesn't apply to all foods of course but in terms of marshmallows, cheaper is better.

 6. peeps: not a fan, unless roasted in the microwave. in that case they get better and their shapes look like bloated fat people.

6a. As my boyfriend wisely pointed out, I forgot to mention how delicious peeps are roasted over an open fire sandwiched in between one of my other favorite foods: chocolate cookies from Lexington Market! these cookies are so delicious i used to eat them before paying in the grocery store. sadly, they know longer sell them in regular grocery stores. Now you have to go to lexington market to get them. also, inevitably they taste like rancid oil because they are either so old, the oil has gone bad or they were made with old cheap oil which was horrible to begin with. Despite this small dissapointment, i still eat them. Danielle even claims they taste like baking soda! she's prolly right but she also thinks Tums taste good.

7. The marshmallow man from Ghostbusters: I know this was supposed to be an evil character but when i was younger watching this movie, i could not contain myself. that would be like my greatest dream come true. a huge being made completely out of marshmallow??? and then it explodes and everyone is covered in it! i would just lick myself whenever i got hungry. it could still happen. most movies are factually based. right?

Watching Documentaries: Intro

Happy Mother's Day!

Sort of recently, some of our friends forced us to watch King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters.  At first I was like O HELL NO!  But after only a few minutes of watching, I was totes hooked. That movie is freaking amazing, and now I try to get every single person I know to watch it too. I'm such a pusher. First RuPaul's Drag Race, and now this.  By the way, you should realllly watch RuPaul's Drag Race!! IT IS SO GREAT!

King of Kong proves that reality (or edited reality) is so much more hilarious than anything you can make up. As a result, I am going to watch some more documentaries, and maybe write about them.  It's not like I haven't seen and loved other documentaries (Grey Gardens, Wordplay, Spellbound, This Movie is Not Yet Rated, Murderball, Jesus Camp, Boys of Baraka), but it's been a while since I have seen one I really loved as much as King of Kong.  Here is the list of movies I plan to watch so far:

1. The Rock-afire Explosion!  You can watch it too!
This movie looks pretty bad-ass.  Remember those scary anamatronic bands at like Party on Pizza or whatever your local version of that was?  This is somehow an entire movie about them.  I'm not 100% sure what it is about, but that will probably make things more fun.

2. Paris is Burning.  Given my obsession with drag queens, this is a perfect selection! I have actually seen bits of it in a class in college, but now I feel that I am ready to experience all the T and realness.

Followed by:

3. The Devil and Daniel Johnston
4. Exit Through the Gift Shop
5. Devil's Playground
6. Joan River's: A Piece of Work
7. Anvil: The Story of Anvil
8. Man on Wire
9. Air Guitar Nation
10. Darkon (thanks AHo!)

Not necessarily in that order either.  And not necessarily any time soon, because (1) it is certainly going to be a tough sell to get Pearce to watch these with me and (2) it is the SUMMER!  That means we will be busy  doing summery things!  Like being outside, for instance, and not inside watching movies.

I REALLY Love My Friends

This is just the first part of an ongoing series.  I have collected a substantial body of evidence proving that my friends are really amazing.

Miss Melissa and Becca as harlequin clowns.  This is their typical garb for religious ceremonies.

The gang getting ready to go out for a night in DC.  Probably drunk on maneschewitz, but keeping it classy.

The night we went out dancing at the Get Down in Baltimore, but spent a great deal of time in the bathroom being obsessed with each other.

The ladies using the bathroom were really confused about this.

The age of the denim jumper.  This happened for a while, then, mysteriously, the denim jumpers disappeared back to the magical all-denim land from which they were spawned.  Also, this is pretty typical party gear.  Chips, dip, hula hoop, denim onesie.

We crashed a party and took over the scene.

I don't think I was personally involved in this, but I love these guys so much.

Chola wedding.

Again, I don't know what this is from, but it screams "party time."  Am I right?!

This was at halloween, and those are special brownies.

This is another halloween, and it is terrifying.

Just being cool, wearing hard hats and backwards jackets, no big deal.

Definitely us at Ocean City, being intoxicated, having the most fun ever.

Hanging out at the JC Through the Years Photo shoot, in comfort.

OF course there would me a mustache party!

All the townspeople were shocked to see Jesus turn water into wine!!!

Pajama party.

What? Aren't your friends this cool?

Days 2-5: Boycott Sham Poo! Demand Real Poo!

This was from Actual Day 2:
Uch.  Well this is pretty boring so far.  It still looks pretty bad... sort of fluffy, flat and greasy all at the same time.  This is me looking dissatisfied with my hair situation: 

I didn't wash it or anything this morning, I just added some hair powder, willy-nilly, and attempted to brush it out with a boar bristle brush, fairly unsuccessfully.  Even if it doesn't look super gross, it feels very unpleasant.  Kind of gummy and weird, but that is probably due to the dry shampoo.

Day 2 is very uneventful!  I think that I might actually need to not use the dry shampoo, because that is probably going to interfere with the process of my hair finding its "natural balance." Or maybe not.  Let's be real, I am never going to just wash my hair with water and the magical breath of a unicorn!  There will always be something!

Day 3: Work Golf Tournament
Day 3 was the same day as the Society of Fire Protection Engineers Golf Tournament!  It was going to be a wet and humid day, and I was due for a hair washing, and I didn't want to bother blow drying it, cause it was going to be a big fluff ball, and I had to be there at 7AM. However, this meant that I would have damp hair around people.  Trying to be professional and all, I figured I should try not to smell like a salad. The vinegar doesn't really smell at all once your hair is dry, but the dampness of the day... I didn't want to be sitting next to someone in a golf cart reeking of dirty feet.  (Note that sometimes dirty feet smell like vinegar, particularly Pearce's feet).  Granted, I wasn't actually playing golf, I was just the beer cart, but still!  That means I would be coming into contact with new people constantly, not just a few who might get used to my offensive odor after a while.  So I caved.

WHAT?!  Did you really expect me to stick with this?  Reealllly now?  Come on!

But to be fair, I added some baking soda to my shampoo, which is the hippie stuff anyway.  No SLS for me! These are the hair cleaning products currently in my shower (next to the large-ass box of baking soda and the old jelly jar full of water and apple cider vinegar):

Kiss My Face Whenever Shampoo!

Avalon Organics Peppermint Conditioner

Sue is still sticking to the baking soda/lemon juice regimen and she told me today that it has changed her life!!  Her hair is already way less greasy than it was before, and she said even her face is less greasy!  This is totally awesome news! 

Day 4 was a non wash day, which is sort of nuts, because it was left over hair from the super humid day outdoors, and it was fine.

Day 5 would be today, and I used my shampoo with baking soda, and conditioner with a vinegar rinse at the end, and then I let my hair air dry!! (Just a regular day at the office, and I don't even like my coworkers enough to worry about stinking up the place).  My conditioner is peppermint, so it masked the salad smell pretty well.  The thing is that the vinegar actually does de-tangle hair incredibly well, and it makes it really smooth in a way that the hippie conditioner doesn't.  So why not use both?  I also used some silicone-free mousse and sea salt spritz, and that stuff also smells nice. 

This is me cheeeeesin it up!  I was going for beachy waves... it's more like a mess of hair, but I swear it looks decent in person... this webcam just does me no justice!  I'm not ugly! It's just the cameras, all cameras, really.

I think the real thing I took away from all the research that went into learning about hair is that I was going about things all wrong!  I have been using these super gentle, non-detergent shampoos for a long while now, and yet I was using silicone based hair products the whole time!  And I LOVE Morrocanoil, but that stuff is basically silicone and it builds up in your hair and you need a detergent based shampoo to get it out!  And then you need more silicones because the detergents dry your hair out so much!  It's a vicious cycle, and a brilliant marketing strategy for the hair product companies.  I need to invent something like that, become rich, and retire, STAT.

I learned that my hair has been really limp and lifeless and gross because of the silicone buildup! You can't have it both ways I guess.  Not with hair at least.  So I am attempting to eliminate the silicone based hair products, and already I am seeing a serious improvement.  But this sucks, because most hair products do contain silicones, and so I have a bunch of crap that I can't use if I actually decide to stick to this regimen (FYI: unlikely).  I think baking soda helps to get rid of the silicones, and I guess it goes away over time, but adding copious amounts of silicone everyday and not washing it out is not good (according to the internet). Whatever.  Either way, my hair is sooo shiny today, as is not captured in the picture, but I swear it was shining when I looked in the mirror!  I'm just so glorious.

That is the story, and maybe I can even get Sue to tell us about her Hairy Business.

Sexy Man Actors! (I have a type)

Tall, Dark, Handsome.

Timothy Olyphant.  Hello! Hi!  You are really hot!  Pearce always is watching Justified, and I literally have no clue what is going on with the storyline, but I stick around cause this dude is often without shirt.  I will bring your wood back to life! (get it?! reference to deadwood!?)  O that was just crude and unladylike!  I apologize. Anyway, when we hang out, Timmy is all like "hey, gimme back my shirt!" and I am all like NO! And then we trim his chest hair.  Sigh.  Swoon.

Brandon Routh.  You are actually not too too hot, but I had a random sex dream about you, and so my feelings have changed.  Why would I have a sex dream about this guy?  Then again, why wouldn't I?  It was one of those dreams where his name in the dream was something else but then when I woke I was like omg that was the superman guy!  It must be because he is in some new retarded movie for which I recently saw a trailer.  But it also must be because of those lovely greased up pectorals. 

Clive Owen.  You are a babe, and I am sad that I couldn't find an ubersexy picture of you without a shirt, showing off your sexy sexy manscape.  You know this guy has incredible chest hair that you just want to get lost in. 

Chris Evans.  You are a cornball, but let's not kid ourselves, you are FINE!  You have been in some unbearably bad movies, and that is unfortunate, because I try to watch them anyway just to get a glimpse of your sexy.  Can you please fix that?

Paul Schneider. You are more of an "indie" type, and I dig it!  Hottie!

Carrot Top..... NOT!  OMG GROSSSSSSS! Carrot Top is like the rickroll of sexy men lists.
He is perhaps the curlygurl ginger version of Tommy Wiseau...  They have the same melted face, the freakish, exploding steroid veins...the DRAMA and deep emotion!  Also a love of awkward props (eg wiseau and his football/red dress/spoon pictures/etc and Carrot Top with... his prop comedy).

Or maybe they are the same person.  It would actually make sense in a strange way. You're tearing me apart, Carrot Top.

SO we have 5 dreamboats, and 2 scarecrows. There you go.

Day 1: Boycott Sham Poo! Demand Real Poo!

First, Osama Bin Laden was killed last night.  He was trending on twitter hardcore.  HAHA I ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT! (about twitter trending, not that guy getting killed).  I am merely stating this for reference, so when I forget about this blog for 2 years, then come back to it, I will be like Oo yeahh that. 

Onto the main story!

Sue and I like to try things! We like to take personal adventures, based on the rantings of lunatic internet personalities, and see just how disgusting we can be by following their advice.  For instance, and actually the only other time we did this, we decided to try the Master Cleanse.  Bad decision!  I think I made it three days, but it really makes people uncomfortable when you are not eating, are constantly slurping a disgusting looking beverage, and are using the restroom bi-hourly.  It also made ME uncomfortable.  I wasn't exactly hungry, but by day three my teeth were about to fall out of my head.  Lemon juice apparently destroys all the enamel on your teeth, which is apparently really important unless you are a fan of dentures.

Anyway!

The point is that at the end of last week, like on Friday, Sue and I decided to quit shampoo.  At the rock solid advice of some fashion blog, we are embarking on a new, extra lazy haircare routine.  I have been sort of doing this for a while, but using hippie-dippy shampoos that don't have any SLS in them, and washing my hair once like every 3 days, but just think - NO SHAMPOO?!!  It really sounds like an awful idea.  As people with professional-ish jobs where we have to deal with clients, it's pretty smart that we are gonna go around looking like greasy hobos for a few weeks.  This is right on par with being a weirdo and refusing solid foods whilst Master Cleansing.   O right, also, no hair products allowed.  And the humid humid Baltimore/DC summer is already starting.

So the last time I used my hippie-dippie shampoo was on Friday, and then the next time I got my hair wet was this morning, Monday.  I bought an economy sized box of baking soda, and whipped out my apple cider vinegar, and I "washed" and "conditioned" my hair.  The baking soda tingled, and the vinegar... smelled like a salad.  I think Sue is using lemon juice instead of vinegar - she might be onto something.  However, lemons now remind me of the Master Cleanse and make me gag, and I am still on speaking terms with salad.

This is me looking disheveled and slightly greasy. I am gonna try to take pictures to see just how vile this gets.  The thing is, I am definitely going to be using dry shampoo.  I know that is probably cheating, but just until my head adjusts... (sounds suspiciously like the whole "releasing of toxins" thing that happens with the MC).  The grossest part will definitely be the bangs, and I am just too vain to allow them to become matted to my forehead.

The whole celebration of the death of Osama bin Laden has been totally overshadowed for me by my shallow self indulgence in haircare, or lack thereof. #whitegirlproblems

I will do my best to faithfully report my findings, and then make an informed conclusion, with Sue's help, about whether or not this is something legit, or something for only the crazy and/or paranoid.  Until next time!!!

Fun Memories

So this is our "Christmas" card that is really for the Winter Solstice, cause we are all secret Druids.  Believe it or not, The Specialest Bean is actually that tall and mighty, towering above us, keeping the seasons in order, and whatnot.

This is from the Rally to Restore Sanity/March to Keep Fear Alive.  We went as Bears, and we were there to keep fear alive.  We she-bears had our weapons out, but Pearce had WMDs hidden in his fanny pack.

This is just really cute.

RESPONSE TO THE SPECIALEST BEAN

Hi The Specialest Bean,
Just wanted to let you know that you are WRONG and the mermaid thing has been slowly gaining more acceptance and importance in the young adult publishing crowd since 2010!!! I just googled "mermaids the next YA trend," AND LOOK WHAT I GOT:

http://absolutewrite.com/forums/archive/index.php/t-190044.html

This is clearly proof that mermaids WILL happen.  The "Absolute Write" message boards do not lie.  Neither does my crystal ball.

Just give those publishing houses some time, and then let the mermaid fiction trickle out, infecting the minds of tweens and dissatisfied housewives.  I am absolutely positive that the likes of Stephenie Meyers can wring out some romance of unrequited love, longing and desire and love triangles* galore! In fact, the lack of genitalia is almost like a bonus, because no matter how badly a mermaid wants to have sex, she has to wait for some magic kiss or wedding ceremony to unlock her fishy slit.  Or whatever they have.  That is really crude, I apologize.

*According to Demetri Martin, this should actually be called a "love angle," since for it to be a triangle, there would have to be something going on between the two dudes involved.  This would certainly not go over well in the YA publishing community.

In conclusion, you are not even IN AMERICA, and therefore, you have no idea what is going on here with our preferences for magical creatures. 

Thank you and goodnight.

I Voted

Last month I got a letter in the mail scolding me for committing voter fraud.  Oops!  So maybe I voted twice, but aren't there lots of dead people voting all the time?  Shouldn't they have some sort of zombie hunting team committed to the cause of stopping these nightwalkers from infiltrating our ballot boxes?

The whole ordeal was really stupid, and the fact that I actually received some sort of acknowledgment in the mail is really impressive.  For some reason, I got stung by the voting bug right before the 2010 midterm election, and I was totally pumped to vote.  Maryland is a state of mostly Democrats, especially where I live, and I planned to vote with the majority.  So basically, my vote would be largely unimportant.  Whatever, I was into it!!   I was damn sure I wanted to vote, but I also was damn sure that I wouldn't be waiting around at my local elementary school in some long line.  I actually registered to vote and even signed up for the absentee ballot ON TIME!  And I even filled it out, and sent it out, ON TIME!  I made all the deadlines, some kind of first for me.

BUT...
Just as my fingers released the ballot into the community mailbox slot, beyond the point of retrieval, I realized:  I didn't put a stamp on my ballot. 

Womp Womp.

O shit! Will they deliver it or will it go directly to the trash?  There was no return address!!  It needed postage!  OMG!!!!

I freaked out and frantically called the election people. They calmed me down, and said they weren't sure what would happen, but that I could go vote in person too.  So on voting day, I went to the local elementary school and awkwardly explained my situation, and made them promise that I wouldn't commit voter fraud.  I filled out my specialized second ballot, which was different from the normal ballot, probably because they sensed that my vote was important, and not because I was mentally unstable.  This all seemed VERY IMPORTANT TO ME!   I was determined to get my vote on.

Whatever.  So that happened, and then I promptly forgot about it/blocked it out because my overzealous voting fervor was pretty embarrassing by Wednesday morning.

Then I got this letter in the mail!!! That means that...

1. The postal service delivered mail without postage!
2. The elderly citizens who counted votes were actually paying attention?!?!

Anyway, it is all very surprising, as I personally know about the ridiculous inefficiency of our beloved government.  Plus, I took AP Government in High School.  Pearce keeps trying to throw away the letter, but I won't let him. I really think it deserves to be preserved so I will remember the year I voted twice, and so I will remind myself that voting at midterm elections in Maryland is a total waste of time.

An Open Letter to Our Blogger

Dearest Danielle:

While I respect your proven abilities as a pop culture forecaster, I have to take issue with your April 27, 2011 post, prediction#3. Mermaids, sadly enough, will not become the next big thing. While mermaids have a rich mythology and cinematic history, you sorely misunderstand the driving force behind major American trends: young preteen girls and, to a lesser extent, adolescent boys.

• Vampires- teenage girls- latent sexuality being expressed safely through the surrogate metaphor of sucking blood.

(Got Junk)

• Werewolves- really nice guys who become virile animals one time a month.
• Justin Beiber and the Jonas brothers- teenage girls- sexual fantasies who are rendered unthreatening by the wearing of abstinence rings and nonthreatening attitude toward authority.
• Zombies- adolescent boys- Mindless violence (literally).

Obsessions of pre-teen girl all are based around the blooming of sexuality that they are not ready to understand or accept. These fantasies are exciting, but not threatening. Even in Twilight, the vampire wouldn’t have sex until marriage.

Mermaids lack the requisite equipment to pique the sexual interest of teenage girls, literally. The physical differences of mermen come too close to straight up bestiality to really be a viable romantic fantasy. And, unlike vampires, werewolves, and pubescent singers, they cannot hide in plain sight where they could come into contact with any average teen girl on any average day. It is too far outside the realm of possibilities.

(Junkless)

And, as for teenage boys… lets be honest, mermen are just too fruity to be a violence fantasy and mermaids are too vaginaless to be a sexual fantasy (outside of the fetishists... but, no judgment there!)

Also, as per point 1, I fully expect you to commit to your forecast and name your first born Blanche, whether girl or boy.

Sincerely,

The Specialest Bean

Celebration

As an addition to yesterday's post, Becca felt that Sleep Apnea might also be the NEXT BIG EPIDEMIC TO STRIKE OUR NATION! But hmm I am not sure if that can really hold a candle to obesity. Especially since a lot of times, sleep apnea is caused by being a gigantic fat ass - your heft is actually smothering you as you sleep. Gross! To be fair, my father has it, but he could certainly stand to lose some weight. He has one of those darth vadar masks he sleeps in. I am sure my mom loves waking up to that.

I'm racking my brain for my opinions on the up and coming health scare that will have all of the USA flipping our shit and giving our children complexes... but nothing really comes to mind. I guess that means fear of the fat will stick with us for a while longer. That is to say, if I can't think of anything else, THERE IS NOTHING ELSE!

O right! Tomorrow is the Royal Wedding! Maybe I will get around to painting my nails! How are those two things related? They aren't!

I have been drinking tea though, in celebration, for the past few years.

Did you know that there is a recipe for chicken where you actually get a food processor and toss in some raw strips of bacon and make BACON PASTE then you slather that shit on your chicken? Well, that recipe does exist, and it was prepared for me tonight, and it was awesome. I actually got to stir the bacon paste, and it was something I hope to do again. I don't even like bacon, but i do enjoy pastes. paste paste paste.

Poor Danielle's Almanack

It has been an extremely long pause between then and now. My bad!

These are my predictions of trends that are going to be BIG BIG BIG very soon. Just watch and see.

1. Naming your daughters after the Golden Girls (either their names in the show, or their names in real life). This is obviously going to be the next big baby naming trend. Just think about it! You can only name your children out of madlibs grab bag book for so long. It has to come back... Blanche and Dorothy?! Estelle? I'm not saying you are limited to those "four previously married women living together in Miami, sharing their various experiences together and enjoying themselves despite hard times." Just names that scream OLD LADY/born in the 1920s. Maybe like Pearl, Etta, Mildred, Doris, Bernice.... Trust me on this. I pray for daughters so I can start this soon to be hot and happening trend.
2. GALAXY Print. Ok so we just had like leopard print, and like plaids maybe? But I predict that the milky way and the cosmos are going to be HUGE!!!!! We are in the 21st Century right? Shouldn't we be living on the moon? Shouldn't Skynet have already become self aware?! The robot apocalypse should be well underway! Reach for the Moon, and if you miss, you will still end up among the stars, or something like that. Give me a freaking pair of these bitches and I will wear them, regardless of what HAL tells me to do.
3. Mermaids! Again, sort of a no-brainer. The sexy vampires and werewolves are all sparkled out. Unicorns are already too burdened with rainbow colored irony. And do you remember the Little Mermaid!!?! WHO DIDN'T LOVE THAT?! I even had the whole set of sheets. And then remember when the Priest got a boner when he was marrying them?!! And the sheets had the castles that looked like penises?!?! I can't believe I spent a large portion of my childhood sleepy time cocooned in cock-castles under the sea. It's almost too awesome to really grasp. Anyway, mermaids are the new thing. The only problem is, they are usually female, right? And like tween girls like sexy men-children. Maybe the vampires and werewolves will stick around, but they will fall in love with mermaids. That is probably what we are looking at for the next ten years of YA literature and movie franchises. Also, they will inevitably remake that oscar-worthy mermaid movie we all love, SPLASH!! They will get some great and talented actress like Megan Fox to play Daryl Hannah, and probably get Tom Hanks' son to play... Tom Hanks' son. Sure to be epic!

OK! That is all that my divining skills will allow me to see of events to come for tonight. The damn pollen is blocking my sight into the futureeeeee.

my favorite internet things in 2009

Sketchy Santas
2009 in Autotune
FOURFOUR
Sorry Mom
Texts from Last Night
LASERS
Sports hoop!
IMBOYCRAZY
Halloween
pretty
more pretty

BUM FIGHTS!

Well not real fights, just the bum part. Today I did... like nothing. Nothing fun at least. Revise that: Mostly nothing fun. I freaking cleaned all day. Yesterday was the last day of classes and instead of going totally crazy as I would have as an undergrad living on campus, I stayed home to hang out with Pearce, my working boyfriend. He is having his first SUPER busy week at work, so I am doing my best to help him at home (aka massages, snuggles, dinner, ..., etc.). So today I CLEANED our apartment, which was really becoming a disgusting hole. We have no dishwasher (except for me .... GRR) and we had not been "keeping up" so I had to do like 4 loads of dishes. And I washed our sheets... and I vacuumed floors and bleached things in the kitchen. My hair gathers in corners with the dustbunnies. It's fairly disgusting actually, but I got a lot of the filth taken care of, so hopefully that will last us another few months of noncleaning. Then I did a little studying, and when I say little, I mean very little.

When Pearce got home we did my Yoga DVD together!! HAHA How funny is that? but really it's pretty cool that he's cool with doing that. I mean he is a pretty manly guy and the fact that he is doing yoga... awesome. It's the best thing though, especially after a lot of sitting and stressing. That was pretty nice - we bonded over our inflexibility and he only poked me in the butt once even though we were bending over with our asses up in the air for half the time.

So here's the fun part (and sad part sorta):
Pearce had been saying he got me the best holiday gift ever ever and he ordered it online and had been all secretive about it, because to him the surprise of presents is KEY. Then on Tuesday I got home to see this big box with a picture of a sewing machine and the words "SINGER sewing Machine" on our door step. So I was like Oooo no. Because it was not official holiday gift giving time yet and so his big surprise was ruined. Not that I was disappointed in the gift (WHICH IS TOTALLY AWESOME AND I WILL TALK ABOUT THAT IN A MOMENT), but I was sad because he was so excited to give it to me and see my face when I first saw it, and he wasnt even there when I got home and saw the box. So you can imagine, it was semi-ruined. BUT anyway,
tonight we tried to figure out how it works. I mean I know how sewing machines work in general, but this one was pretty fancy, and not the same as the one I am familiar with, so Pearce helped me make it work. (PROJECT RUNWAY REFERENCE). SO NOW I can sew whenever I feel like it!!! I don't have to go home to mommy anymore! I am my own woman! O man but seriously, it is so fun, and it means I can make myself a number of ugly and simplistic dresses, shirts and skirts!!! And when halloween comes around again next year, I will be all set to make something rather than just going to GoodWill or SalvAr! AND even better, I can make stockings for Christmas instead of having to buy a hideous one from Target or something! Hooray!


After unlocking the mysteries of my new sewing machine, we decided that I needed to sew SOMETHING so we pulled out one of Pearce's giant free t-shirts that is even too big for him to wear seriously and I recycled it into a chic (aka amateur) t-shirt for me. HAHA YES! But there is no extra fabric really, so I am just looking at the sewing machine with longing.

The second good part of my day was that I won these amazing slouchy Zodiac boots on ebay for only $13.99!!!!!
I have a similar pair in bone white and they are like the hottest things ever, so I figured having them in black would be ideal. O MAN so nice. At first I was thinking I wanted flats, but it's amazing what a few extra inches can do for your figure! HAHA YAY I am such a shoe addict o my god.

My bum day was highlighted by the fact that I did not bathe. I mean I guess that's ok, especially since I am letting my hair grow out and I don't want to ruin it with lots of washing. And when I say "letting my hair grow out" I am being literal, because it seems to get bigger as it gets longer. I think I am going to donate it or something. They could make like 2 wigs! Anyway, I am sitting here now still wearing yoga clothes and being sorta greasy. Tomorrow I am going to do things! I will get up earlyish, shower, and then go to Joann Fabrics to get some fabrics for some stockings and other fun. Then to the gym! Hmm.. now I am having second thoughts about this because I am going out with Naomi tomorrow night and that means I would need to shower again after the gym... hmm. This is bad! DAMN my dirtiness. Ok that probably means that I will shower now right before bed. That could be nice. Middle of the night shower... Then I could do something wacky with my hair like braid it or something! Because I am not going to dry it with the blowdryer, no matter how freezing I am. Wow I am so glad I decided to be boring and write about my schedule because see how I uncover all these logistical problems?

I always feel the need to apologize for doing this. [by "doing this" I mean blogging] So here it is:
Sorry.

The Holiday Season Backlog

WOW lots of sh!t has dropped since my last posting. Hmm most memorably, Naomi and I were robbed at gunpoint in DC a few weeks back. We had been at a dance party at the Wonderland Ballroom in Columbia Heights (such fun!) and then we decided it was time to make our way to Adam's Morgan. So we gathered our things and were on our way to the metro... through the deserted ghetto...
There was all sorts of forshadowing for the evening:

• We were at Naomi's place in DC before heading over to the bar, and I was looking through her jewelry. I found the cutest little gun earring which I really wanted to wear, but my third earring hole had apparently healed shut from lack of use, so I did not wear it. GUNS
• Moments before the robbering, I looked back and saw a man following us, but I assumed he was just on his way to the metro as well. I even scolded myself for being so irritatingly nervous. Figures.
• After noticing the shadester following us, we saw a GIANT rat scampering across the road - THIS WAS AN OBVIOUS SIGN AND WE SHOULD HAVE STARTED RUNNING.
  

Alas, instead of noticing all the very obvious warnings, we drunkenly walked and talked loudly. Then he came out with his gun in Nae's face and said "Drop the purse bitch!" Uch please. WHY DO THEY NEED THE WHOLE PURSE?! I mean, I was borrowing Naomi's bag, and she was using her Grandmother's purse, a family heirloom kinda deal, and this guy didn't want purses, he wanted money, and evidently, he wanted cell phones to download games and music. He was probably just as scared as we were and he was trying so hard to be intimidating, but I mean, he had a gun and it was in our faces, so we just did what he said. He took our bags, then he ran away.
Things that were stolen from me:

• My license (now we couldn't even get into bars! and we would have to go to the fucking MVA and wait for like a million years with the mullets)
• My student ID (hope they don't try to get into the computer lab at school! or worse, what if they try to use my gym membership!?)
• ATM/credit card thingy (jsut got paid; yikes.)
• My Smart Trip Card (it was like a dollar in debt so fuck those guys)
• Cellular phone (IT WAS BROKEN TOO!! you could only hear what people were saying if you had the speaker on. But it did have a number of sentimental pictures and embarrasing text messages. PLUS I HAD NO INSURANCE so I had to buy a new phone out of plan - SO EXPENSIVE. What a racket. O well.)
• $30 (Damn it!!!!)
• One of my favorite lip glosses. (HOPE YOU ENJOY IT MOTHER FUCKERS)

We ran back to the bar, got the police, filed the report. I started flipping out as it started to sink in, I felt SO violated. This weird drunk guy got a little too intent on comforting me and I was like GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!! Then since Naomi had the keys to her place IN the stolen purse, we were sorta stranded, especially since her roommate was unreachable (she was with her current boyfriend at his place). And we were very very far from Naomi's apt anyway. Luckily, she knew a girl who lived near/in Columbia Heights, so we had the police take us there at like 1:45 in the morning and we banged on her door until she opened up, super confused, and let us in. (this was a thursday night btw). Once we explained the situation, we got to work canceling credit cards and phones.

Before the phones got canceled, we attempted to call our phones. Mine was busy, but some lady answered Naomi's phone!! Naomi immediately screamed "WHO GAVE YOU THIS PHONE? WHERE ARE YOU?" and the response was "whaaaaaaaaat?" Over and over again. The woman on the other end was so cracked out that she could barely manage any words at all. Wonderful, bittersweet, infuriating, hilarious. O well.

Ok so at this point I am no longer scared, more angry, but I was really freaked out. Like for that first week after it happened, if anyone was following me (AKA walking behind me, my shadow, etc.) I would freak out. The worst part is that it made me feel all messed up about black men, particularly those walking behind me. Let me explain. Right before it happened and I saw this man behind us (he was black) the first thing I thought was SHIT. And this is awful, I hate it that I can't even control my brain responding to this stereotype, even though I absolutely know it is not true. I have friends of all races and creeds, and I'm definitely not racist, but you see a shady black guy walking behind two idiot drunk girls in a bad neighborhood... it's sad, but that was the first thing I thought even before he robbed us. As I mentioned, I scolded myself for thinking that. He was most likely just a regular guy trying to get home. Then he pulled the gun, so then my stupid stereotype got "proved" in the unreachable regions of my brain.

For that week after this happened, I was sort of a mess. I was walking to class and this guy behind me says "hey Danielle" and I turn around and it is this vaguely familiar black guy and I FLIP OUT for a second, and he sees it on my face. In my head I am thinking, this is him, he found me, and he knows my name from my IDs!! But then I realize that he is this guy Kevin who I know from the engineering lounge, and I feel like an ASS and a racist. I mean honestly, I had only met him once really, but I guess since I would be one of the 3 girls in the engineering lounge, it might be easier to remember me and my name. Anyway, later I told him about this, and he laughed and was very understanding.

As a side note, when I got my phone bill I found that the idiots were up like ALL night downloading stuff, spending a total of $60+. What dorks, seriously. Stupid Verizon didn't shut off my phone when I called around 1:50 am like they said they would. And I have gotten 2 calls from blocked numbers since then. One the day after the robbing (I am certain this was from one of their idiot friends) and another 2 days ago. Lame.

Luckily, I am pretty certain that I am over the being scared part, and am more angry. (I'm stull a little scared of the idea of DC at night). The DC police are actually looking into this, and Naomi and I have to go down to the station on Sunday to look at some pictures. What an adventure!!!

YEAH! SO THAT HAPPENED. Crazy. I guess I learned my lesson without much damage.

Now I've been mostly concerned with finishing up school stuff since the semester is ending, and holiday shopping, etc. Christmas is so fun, what a great idea! This will be my first official Christmas with my own tree in-house. If we ever get a tree... AHH!

I am going to go run some errands now!! Maybe I will at some point write again, who can be sure?!